What is meant by treat them mean keep them keen?
The idea that we can fall even more in love when we're mistreated in love is a complex, multifactorial phenomenon. Here are a few possible explanations:
- The power of uncertainty: When we're mistreated or fail to receive consistent affection and attention, it creates uncertainty in the relationship. This uncertainty can lead to increased emotional arousal and an obsessive fixation on the abuser. Some may confuse these feelings of uncertainty and excitement with love, which can lead them to become even more attached to the person.
- The desire for validation and love: People who have had unsatisfying or abusive love experiences may feel a strong desire for validation and love. When someone offers them moments of tenderness or affection, however infrequent, it can create an emotional dependency. This need for validation and love can lead them to cling to the relationship and develop more intense feelings, even in an abusive context.
Love shouldnāt be a power struggle
The main problem with this game is that itās a power struggle š„. At one moment, weāre dominated, at the next, weāre dominant. For many people, seduction is a game played like this, but itās unhealthy. When you date someone, the goal isnāt to establish domination. You shouldnāt believe all the coaches who sell this as something positive š. A healthy relationship is based around communication and actively listening to the other person.
š¬ My testimonial:
For a long time I was single, but that didnāt stop me from going on dates and seeing men. Among my dates, I came across individuals who shunned me after a few weeks of love bombing. This made me dependent, and my self-confidence went downhill. I questioned myself, although I wasnāt the problem, they were! Once I let go, they came back like flowers. Sometimes I played the game, running away from them in turn, but one day I said stop because this isnāt the kind of relationship I wanted. Running away is a behavior thatās now one of my red flags š©!
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The reasons for escaping
For the person running away, there are obviously reasons. Even if, I find it childish not to have the courage to tell the truth and run away. If someone runs away from us, itās probably because:
- He doesnāt know what he wants,
- Heās indifferent / he doesnāt value us enough,
- He doesnāt have enough feelings,
- Heās scared of commitment,
- He feels pressured by our feelings.
The person youāre dating is allowed not to have feelings. However, running away and leaving the other person in a state of incomprehension, or even ghosting, means you have a rather low level of empathy.
š āYes, but what if we just want a one-night standā š? You show your hand clearly to avoid any misunderstandings or the other person getting attached. You also need to realize that not everyone works in the same way, so you need to take the time to explain your vision of things.
Escaping or creating dependence
The main problem with running away is that it will set up an emotional dependency. Once you notice this mechanism, it will be impossible to have a fulfilling and caring relationship. Indeed, for a romantic relationship to work, it shouldnāt be a power struggle. Running away means putting yourself first, while flattering your ego when you see that the other person is looking to see you again. You neglect the fact that this creates a deep imbalance and that one of you is suffering, which is why this mechanism can be described as a dangerous game.
ā ļø When someone does this consciously, it can come close to the behavior of a narcissistic pervert who wants to have a hold on the other person. This game can be one of the mechanisms for manipulation! It makes us fragile as we depend on the other person to feel good, and we only live through their eyes. Itās vital that you get out of this power struggle and donāt use it yourself š¤.
How to stop the ātreat them mean, keep them keenā?
I would say stop the relationship immediately, but thatās easier said than done, especially when you have feelings for that person. Itās important to be aware of this unhealthy mechanism, and itās usually those around you who point out that itās not normal. Personally, it was my friends who told me that I didnāt deserve to be treated like that, it was like a bucket of cold water on my head š±!
Putting communication back at the heart of things
Now, should we reverse the situation and run away ourselves š§? Well no, otherwise weāre carrying on with the game. Weāll also be waiting for the other person to come back to us, while pretending that weāre not interested. On the contrary, I think that the best way to stop this is to communicate. Indeed, I always say that communication solves a lot of problems, and itās true!
You shouldnāt hesitate to express your emotions to the other person: āYour behavior is hurting me, I donāt want this kind of relationshipā. This can help the other person take a stock of their behavior and understand why they acted like that.
Self-confidence and limits
Now that youāve expressed yourself, youāre entitled to distance yourself. Youāve broken the mechanism of the game by saying out loud what was wrong. What you need now is to take care of yourself. As I said, it may have an impact on your self-confidence, even make you afraid of loving. Indeed, being the victim of such behavior can leave traumas, so you should take the time to rebuild yourself and rediscover your self-confidence. If not, you continually risk being in imbalanced relationships and getting bogged down in suffering.
Editorās note: I donāt play anymore!This old technique is still talked about, but remember that it wonāt do you any good. If you start on this basis, donāt expect anything solid for your relationship. Youāve understood that itās a kind of psychological game and to escape it you just have to stop playing, no more treating them mean, keeping them keenā¦ However, this is much easier said than done, especially when feelings are involved! If your romantic relationships are complicated, if the same patterns keep repeating themselves, then itās important to contact a psychologist in order to understand whatās going on and how to implement new habits for a happier emotional life.
š¤ Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... Itās here and now! #BornToBeMe
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