The 4 Types Of Romantic Attachment: What Do They Show?

Last updated by Lauren Hart

And yet another guy has escaped me… If you’ve ever said that to yourself, maybe you always go for the same type of person. In any case, I’ve been noticing this for a long time. I’ve also noticed that I was always doubting the relationship, which led to failure... These behaviors reflect a rather opposite type of romantic attachment. But what is a type of attachment? What does it show? Knowing them can help us understand a lot about ourselves and our relationships. Here’s an explanation.

The 4 Types Of Romantic Attachment: What Do They Show?

Bowlby’s types of attachment

Human beings are made to live with others, we’re social animals! Indeed, babies are programmed to attach themselves to their parents, alone they cannot survive 🐣. It’s therefore from this observation that John Bowlby worked on attachment types in children according to their interactions with their parents.

It’s a way of showing how we develop based on our experiences. These are essential for our construction and determine how we’ll behave in our romantic relationships. From this, Bowlby’s theory of attachment was developed for adults to find out how we got attached to someone else 🥰.

👉 The relationship with our parents and how they met our attachment needs during childhood will impact our level of anxiety and avoidance.

Anxiety and avoidance, two essential parameters

There are two factors that influence our type of romantic attachment:

  • the level of anxiety,
  • the level of avoidance.

➜ The higher the level of anxiety, the more likely we are to wonder whether we’re going to be rejected and whether our partner really loves us. That’s who I used to be, partly because I didn’t trust myself. It’s limiting beliefs that pull you down, so you feel constantly insecure.

➜ The higher the level of avoidance, the less comfortable we’ll be with depending on another person. This will have the effect of pushing us into self-withdrawal rather than reaching out to others 😕.

What are the 4 types of romantic attachment?

Anxiety and avoidance are obviously caused by a dysfunctional relationship with your parents, resulting in one of the 5 soul wounds. This will have an impact on the way you behave and get attached to others, resulting in 4 types of romantic attachment:

Knowing our attachment type can enable us to decipher our behavior in love. For example: Why do we always go for the same type of person 😅? So here are the details of each type of attachment:

👉 Secure attachment

It brings together everything that’s needed for a secure relationship, i.e. low levels of anxiety and avoidance. Most of the population falls into this category, which means having long-lasting, healthy, and satisfying relationships. If you have this type of attachment, it means that you’re able to manage your emotions and express them to the other person without suffering 🤗.

👉 Preoccupied attachment

It reflects a high level of anxiety about the relationship, usually reflecting a fear of abandonmentHaving had this type of attachment for a long time, I can say that it’s a source of suffering to be constantly questioning. We feel insecure, like we’re a burden to the other person. Our emotions are difficult to express, and they can often explode, which damages the relationship 🤕...

👉 Detached attachment

In contrast to the preoccupied type, this one represents someone who prefers to be alone, to the detriment of the couple. This may reflect an overinflated ego if there’s no consideration for others. But without going that far, we can also blame this behavior on the rejection woundWhen you’re “detached”, you maintain a distance, so you don’t suffer, but it’s difficult to build a relationship this way 😖.

👉 Avoidant / fearful attachment

This style represents a high level of anxiety and avoidance, which corresponds to people who are in great pain. They lock themselves into toxic romantic relationships, not being able to get emotionally attached and constantly doubting their partner’s sincerity. Emotions and behavior are usually contradictory, which makes them even more difficult to identify 💔.

Are you still struggling to recognize which type corresponds the most to you?

Changing your type of romantic attachment

When reading about the different types of attachment, you might think that some of them paint a bleak picture. However, that doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to change your type of romantic attachment 🧐! I said it during the article, I went from a preoccupied attachment to a secure attachment.

It’s therefore possible to change your behavior and evolve your relationship patterns. To do this, you need to be able to do a lot of introspection and take a step back from your relationship (or your single life!). Personally, I did this journey and realized that I was with someone who left me permanently insecure 😥. As the relationship started with ghosting, it was impossible for me to feel good. So I decided to end it and start therapy to heal my wounds.

This is the healthiest solution that really works to make you evolve. Now I’m with someone who speaks the same language of love as me, and we’re both “secure” 🤗.

Editor’s note: Identify your type of attachment to make you evolve

Identifying your type of attachment enables you to become aware of certain mechanisms or patterns that may explain why your love affairs and disappointments keep repeating themselves. If your relationships are repetitive, if the disappointments follow one after another and are a source of suffering, don’t hesitate to contact a psychologist. Together, you’ll be able to identify the way you work and its origins and put in place new, more valuable behaviors that will allow you to flourish in your life in a relationship.

🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now!


Be sure to check out these articles too;

Article presented by Lauren Hart

Writing is a beautiful means of expression that I cannot do without. It has allowed me to channel my hypersensitivity, plus I love writing about psychology and personal development. For me, self-understanding is the best way to move forward!

Our most popular 'relationship' articles:

Relationship essentials:

How Do You Know If You Love Someone?

I love him, madly, passionately, madly... Or perhaps not at all... I'll admit it, I'm one of those people who know when they are in love, I operate on a crush and strong attraction basis. However, this is not the case for everyone! Sometimes we don't know if it's love, lust, or something else that we feel. How do you know if you are head over heels in love with someone? Love is a pretty mysterious feeling, but there are 10 confirmation signs which prove you've found that someone special.

My Boyfriend Is Very Family-Oriented... I’m Not!

And another Sunday at his dear mum’s house! My in-laws are everywhere. During our weekends, on our vacations, at some of our parties, and on our outings, I’m almost surprised we don’t all live together 🤦♀️. Should I suffer, or should I cut the cord for them with my teeth?

What Are The Signs Of True Love?

We all have a certain idea of what true love is, you know, the everlasting one they always show in Disney movies, but the question is, how do we recognize it? Now, no matter how you define it, if you don't find these 10 signs in the person you share your life with, then, unfortunately, your love relationship is not genuine. As with everything when it comes to relationships, sometimes the problem is you, and sometimes it's about the other person. As you go through all these points, think about what you are giving/offering to the other person in return and your points to work on.

Take Our Love Attachment Style Quiz

"I never know where my path goes, but I walk better when my hand clasps yours." I love this Alfred de Musset quote so much because it perfectly illustrates how I feel about my relationship. It's also a great way to understand what my love attachment style is! Knowing how we attach to others, especially in a relationship, can help us understand how we function and how our partner functions. Here’s a full explanation for you.

What Is Codependency And What Are The Signs Of It?

Codependency is a relationship disorder characterized by a strong subservience to a partner who experiences frequent difficulties, for example, they could be addicted to alcohol or gambling. Here, the co-dependent person is prepared to help their partner at any cost, even if it means sacrificing their own needs for the benefit of their partner. However, their sacrifices inevitably cause them great frustration, which they never really deal with. In fact, they never really acknowledge the plight of their annoyance and regularly find themselves in a state of denial, surrounded by tons of unspoken and unexpressed points of view. Yet, in spite of the suffering experienced, the co-dependent person is unable to free themselves from this enabling behavior pattern and dysfunctional relationship. Here are signs you are co-dependent and how you can break the cycle.

Bipolar People In Relationships

It's not easy to have a romantic relationship when you have a psychological disorder like bipolar. Love and bipolar disorder may seem incompatible, but they are not. Just because you have bipolar disorder doesn't mean you can't have a healthy relationship. There are just some things to keep in mind, whether it's the person with bipolar or the person living with a bipolar person. What are the elements to know in order for the relationship to go well? Read on for more insights.

The Radio Silence Technique

If there’s one thing that really gets under my skin, it’s when I hear advice on how to get your ex back through radio silence. I’m not a good example of this as I’ve tried it, but on the other hand, I’ve also experienced it. In both cases, it was nothing but suffering. It’s ultra-toxic behavior that only creates relational trauma. So it’s high time to forget this (very) bad idea!

Wengood's favorite tunes 🎵

Wengood's playlist


  1. Only LoveBen Howard
  2. Invalid date
  3. Fix YouColdplay
  4. Beautiful DayU2
  5. Thinking out LoudEd Sheeran
  6. White FlagDido
  7. Lay Me DownSam Smith
  8. Nine Million BicyclesKatie Melua
  9. Put Your Records OnCorinne Bailey Rae
  10. Summertime SadnessLana Del Rey
  11. Imagine - Remastered 2010John Lennon
  12. Shake It OutFlorence + The Machine
  13. Space Oddity - Love You Til Tuesday versionDavid Bowie
  14. What A Wonderful WorldLouis Armstrong
  15. With Or Without YouU2
  16. HelloAdele
  17. Don't Stop Me NowQueen
  18. Skinny LoveBirdy
  19. WingsBirdy
  20. Californian SoilLondon Grammar

How to detect a narcissist?

How to detect a narcissist?

"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." 

- Oscar Wilde