Choosing your expectations as a couple
We are often very gifted at loving the other person, which has a positive echo in us. However, in a relationship it can be difficult to observe our partner without being too emotionally involved. We would like our lover to understand our desires, our needs, our doubts, our sadness etc... all without having to say anything beforehand. The problem is, not everyone is a mind reader…
We’re sure you've already said something like: ‘I can’t believe he doesn’t understand me!’ ‘Why doesn’t he realize I’m struggling?’ ‘I feel totally abandoned by him and as if he’s never there for me’.
→ After cooling down and a bit of reflection, you probably realized that your partner isn’t in your head. And for you it is the same thing, unless you are connected like in the famous Black Mirror series, you don't know what he is thinking about until he tells you. Of course, through communication, complicity, listening and exchange, we learn more and more about understanding the other person and by force of circumstance, we manage to anticipate certain needs. This is normal up until a certain point.
The goal here is to change your prism in order to observe your partner more objectively by looking at him with his own eyes and not with yours! There is something simple to do for this and it all comes back to having similar expectations.
‘Limit the frustrations you have when you expect something from him that is not usual for him to do’. In short, avoid setting the bar too high.
Well, without meaning to, we build an image of the couple that can be based on beliefs, on the way it should work → whether it is cultural beliefs or even based on examples of couples we know and use as examples. Except we have to keep in mind that each relationship is different, simply because each person is different.
There will never be the same way of doing things, coupled with the same communication, complicity, agreement etc... You, you are not like your neighbor and your neighbor for example is not like your life partner. By keeping this in mind, you can move forward by getting rid of the beliefs that weigh on you and your love story. Also, you will limit the frustrations you will have when you expect your partner to do something that is not in his skill set.
Stop testing your partner
It's easy to blame your partner for what he doesn't have but you do. Remember one thing; you complement each other so don't expect him to be like you. By being less demanding about flaws and more rewarding about qualities, you will push your partner to develop his qualities more!
For example: If you expect him to be tidier but you criticize his way of doing things when he tidies up, then you will push him not to tidy up because there is no point in making efforts to please him if it is to attract criticisms...
How can I get around this?
- Write down your spouse’s best qualities
- What are your qualities?
- What are the major reprimands you have against him?
- Compare these reproaches with your qualities: do you criticize your partner for not having your qualities?
- Change your criticisms into demands based on your partner's qualities.
→ Above all, express yourself with benevolence! Healthy and non-violent communication, as well as attentive listening to the needs of the other, is a cement of the couple and of any good, fulfilling and lasting relationship! By expressing your feelings, emotions, needs and expectations for your couple, your partner will understand the situation better and you will be able to discuss the harmony of the couple.
Beware: The goal is not to forget yourself in the relationship. It is important to see the couple as a new dimension of you and the other. You are a whole person, with your own personality and freedom. Your life partner also has his own personality and freedom. And together, next to you there is the unity of the couple with its personality and freedom.
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