Choosing your expectations as a couple
We are often very gifted at loving the other person, which has a positive echo in us. However, in a relationship, it can be difficult to observe our partner without being too emotionally involved. We would like our lover to understand our desires, our needs, our doubts, our sadness etc... all without having to say anything beforehand. The problem is, not everyone is a mind reader…
We’re sure you've already said something like: ‘I can’t believe he doesn’t understand me!’ ‘Why doesn’t he realize I’m struggling?’ ‘I feel totally abandoned by him and as if he’s never there for me’.
→ After cooling down and a bit of reflection, you probably realized that your partner isn’t in your head. And for you, it is the same thing, unless you are connected like in the famous Black Mirror series, you don't know what he is thinking about until he tells you. Of course, through communication, complicity, listening and exchange, we learn more and more about understanding the other person and by force of circumstance, we manage to anticipate certain needs. This is normal up until a certain point.
The goal here is to change your prism in order to observe your partner more objectively by looking at him with his own eyes and not with yours! There is something simple to do for this, and it all comes back to having similar expectations.
‘Limit the frustrations you have when you expect something from him that is not usual for him to do’. In short, avoid setting the bar too high.
>>> Read; Should I tell my partner that I've cheated?
Why do we often find ourselves acting like this?
Well, without meaning to, we build an image of the couple that can be based on beliefs, on the way it should work → whether it is cultural beliefs or even based on examples of couples we know and use as examples. Except, we have to keep in mind that each relationship is different, simply because each person is different.
There will never be the same way of doing things, coupled with the same communication, complicity, agreement etc... You, you are not like your neighbor and your neighbor for example is not like your life partner. By keeping this in mind, you can move forward by getting rid of the beliefs that weigh on you and your love story. Also, you will limit the frustrations you will have when you expect your partner to do something that is not in his skill set.
What does it mean to be demanding in a relationship?
Being demanding in a relationship means having high or unreasonable expectations of your partner, often requiring them to meet your needs and desires without regard for their own. This behavior can manifest in various ways:
- Constant expectations: Demanding partners often have continuous and specific expectations about how their partner should behave, look, or act. They may expect their partner to be always available, emotionally supportive, or to prioritize their needs above all else.
- Lack of flexibility: Such individuals typically exhibit little flexibility or understanding when their expectations are not met. They may become upset or angry if their partner does not fulfill their demands promptly or in the exact manner they envision.
- Control and micromanagement: Demanding partners may attempt to control many aspects of their partner's life, from their social interactions to their personal decisions. This can include dictating how their partner spends their time, who they associate with, and even their career choices.
- Emotional manipulation: They might use emotional manipulation, such as guilt-tripping, silent treatment, or excessive criticism, to coerce their partner into meeting their demands. This can create a cycle of emotional dependence and insecurity.
- Unrealistic standards: The expectations set by a demanding partner are often unrealistic and unattainable. They might expect perfection in behavior, appearance, or achievements, placing undue pressure on their partner.
- Disregard for partner’s needs: A demanding person tends to focus solely on their own needs and desires, neglecting or minimizing their partner's needs. This can lead to an imbalance in the relationship, where one partner constantly gives while the other takes.
Being demanding in a relationship can strain the connection between partners, leading to resentment, decreased emotional intimacy, and overall dissatisfaction. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect, understanding, and compromise, rather than unilateral demands and control.
Stop pushing your partner and provoking him
It's easy to blame your partner for what he doesn't have, but you do. Remember one thing; you complement each other, so don't expect him to be like you. By being less demanding about flaws and more rewarding about qualities, you will push your partner to develop his qualities more!
For example: If you expect him to be tidier, but you criticize his way of doing things when he tidies up, then you will push him not to tidy up because there is no point in making efforts to please him if it is to attract criticisms...
How can I get around this?
- Write down your spouse’s best qualities
- What are your qualities?
- What are the major reprimands you have against him?
- Compare these reproaches with your qualities: do you criticize your partner for not having your qualities?
- Change your criticisms into demands based on your partner's qualities.
→ Above all, express yourself with benevolence! Healthy and positive communication, as well as attentive listening to the needs of the other, is a cement of the couple and of any good, fulfilling and lasting relationship! By expressing your feelings, emotions, needs and expectations for your couple, your partner will understand the situation better, and you will be able to discuss the harmony of the couple.
Beware: The goal is not to forget yourself in the relationship. It is important to see the couple as a new dimension of you and the other. You are a whole person, with your own personality and freedom. Your life partner also has his own personality and freedom. And together, next to you, there is the unity of the couple with its personality and freedom.
💡Love insights💡 - What 5 stages do couples go through?
- 1) The loving couple: when two people first meet, they are attracted to each other. A fusion is created between the two loved ones, and the couple is formed. This phase corresponds to the state of love.
- 2) The phase of disillusionment: then the couple experiences a natural phase of discernment. Doubts and disappointments punctuate their daily lives. The disillusionment phase is necessary, and can be experienced calmly, but can also be very shaky. Many couples break up at this stage.
- 3) The confrontation phase: once the doubts have been overcome, it's time to find a degree of compatibility. Each tries to impose its own way of doing things on the other. The couple indulges in frequent confrontation, adjusting territories and personal boundaries, and gradually getting to know each other better.
- 4) The renewal phase: the learning phases are over. Each opens up to the other, each rediscovers his or her partner. The couple get to know each other and develop a real sense of complicity. This is the phase of acceptance and renewal.
- 5) The connected couple: we then go beyond that, acquiring emotional intelligence, interpersonal skills and the art of negotiation. It's the connected couple who experience true love, openness and growth. It's one more step towards a love that's highly energizing, that allows each of us to rely on our relationship to realize our full potential. The couple grows, and the love is that much deeper.
💡FAQ💡 How do you deal with a demanding partner?
When your partner is too demanding, it's important to take steps to preserve your well-being and maintain a balanced relationship. Here are a few tips that might help:
- Communicate openly: Express your feelings and concerns to your partner in a calm, respectful way. Explain how his or her excessive expectations can make you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed. Open communication can foster mutual understanding and encourage adjustments in expectations.
- Set clear limits: Define your own limits and share them with your partner. Be firm about what you're prepared to do and what you can't accept. The aim is to find common ground where both partners feel respected and listened to.
- Preserve your autonomy: Make sure you maintain an independent life outside the relationship. Keep your own interests, friendships and activities that give you pleasure and fulfillment. This will help you maintain strong self-esteem and avoid becoming totally dependent on your partner's expectations.
- Evaluate the relationship: Take a step back to assess whether the relationship as a whole is healthy and balanced. Ask yourself whether your emotional needs are being met and whether you feel respected and valued in the relationship. If the relationship is continually unbalanced and harmful to you, you may need to re-evaluate your situation.
- Seek support: Don't hesitate to seek support from friends, family or a mental health professional. They can offer you an outside perspective, advice and emotional support to help you cope.
How to be less demanding in a relationship
To be less demanding in love, it's important to cultivate attitudes and behaviors that promote understanding, acceptance and flexibility. Firstly, try to focus on your partner's positive qualities rather than their faults. Learn to appreciate the little things and express gratitude for gestures of love and support. Practice empathy by putting yourself in your partner's shoes and trying to understand his or her perspectives and needs. Communicate your expectations and desires openly and honestly, but also be prepared to listen and consider your partner's needs. Finally, work on your own self-esteem and self-confidence so as not to seek excessive external validation. Remember that love is a journey of compromise, mutual respect and acceptance, and that being less demanding can open the door to more fulfilling and lasting relationships.
How do you deal with a demanding partner? - 5 Tips
All relationships have their fair share of ups and downs, and the tough times can only be overcome by both partners working together, towards the same goal. Relationships constantly need your commitment to improve your chances at being happy together. Although, at times, differences in communication styles and personalities, make it difficult for both partners to be comfortable. If you feel like your partner is too demanding of you, here are 5 things to do;
- 1) Communicate honestly and openly - Let your partner know when they hurt you, after all, perhaps they are completely unaware.
- 2) Pick your battles wisely - At times, we are completely inflexible when it comes to our opinions, whereas at others, we are willing to negotiate and compromise.
- 3) Understand your partner’s personality - What makes them tick? What makes them angry? What puts a smile on their face?
- 4) Accept your partner for who they are - If you want to move forward together, it has to be done hand-in-hand.
- 5) Be assertive and respectful - Don’t let your partner walk over you 24/7. Your voice deserves to be heard too.
What are unreasonable demands in a relationship?
In love, it's important to have realistic expectations to build healthy, fulfilling relationships. Here are five requirements that might be considered unrealistic:
- Absolute perfection: Expecting your partner to be perfect and flawless is unrealistic. Everyone has imperfections, and it's essential to recognize and accept your partner's shortcomings.
- Giving up all independence: Demanding that your partner give up all personal activities and passions in order to be constantly by your side is unreasonable. Everyone needs time and space to develop individually.
- Expecting the other to guess your needs without communicating them: Expecting your partner to instinctively know what you want or need without telling them is an unrealistic requirement. Open and honest communication is essential to a healthy relationship.
- Putting your desires first: Demanding that your partner submit to your every desire and whim without taking into account his or her own needs is unfair and unrealistic. A balanced relationship requires compromise and mutual consideration of needs and desires.
- Completely transform your partner: Expecting your partner to radically change his or her personality or values to match your ideal is unrealistic. Major changes in a person cannot be imposed, and it's important to love and accept each other for who you really are.
Editor's insights - Relax and enjoy the loving vibesToo many demands complicate the possibility of building a healthy relationship. In a love relationship, it is important to be able to meet the other person and accept him or her as he or she is. You must be flexible and prove it to the other person. It is important not to try to transform the other person into our perception of the ideal person, even if it is normal to know what we want and what we do not accept.
🤗 Understand yourself, accept yourself, be happy... Let’s do it here and now!
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