Do you remember back in the day when you were a teen and constantly fought with your parents, and in particular your mom? Whether it was because you wanted to stay out past your curfew or chose to parade around in your new miniskirt, many of us have faced constant battles with our mothers. However, for those of us dealing with a narcissistic mom, the problems don’t stop when we finish puberty, no, in fact, they stick with us throughout our lives and make it impossible for us to establish a healthy relationship with the person who brought us into the world. Now, if the scenarios below seem all too familiar, then you might just have been raised by a narcissist.
How many of them have you had to experience over the years?
Whether it was your choice of college, or even where you live, if your mom encrusts herself in every realm of your adult life, then your relationship is certainly toxic. Having a hands-on mom around is great, but that doesn’t mean that she has the right to overstep the boundaries and force you to follow her will. Moms are there to advise us and support us, not to control us and dictate our lives. That's right, the sense of entitlement is intimidating and will most likely drive you absolutely crazy.
The bottom line is that she is never satisfied and never agrees with any of your decisions, because she wants to be the one making them for you. She doesn’t want you to be your own person and will therefore criticize everything you do to forge your own character and way in life. In her eyes, no one is ever good enough for her baby and no one ever will be, unless she decides so.
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If your mom is a narcissist, then you’ll probably struggle to remember times when she was affectionate and loving towards you, even during your childhood. You no doubt never got to enjoy hugs, kisses on your forehead or gentle words of encouragement from her when you needed them most, and that’s because she was, and still is, too wrapped up in herself to care enough.
She’ll tell you that you’ve put on weight or that she doesn’t like your new haircut, because for her, nothing is out of bounds. Now, although many of us might choose to put these hurtful remarks down to a slip of the tongue, they are in fact signs of narcissistic abuse. In fact, anything your mom says to negatively impact your self-confidence is a sign that she is toxic for you and your mental health.
Having a narcissistic personality disorder means you can’t resist the idea of being in control and in order to gain the power that you so desperately desire, you’ll do anything, including manipulating your own children. From making up rumors to inventing stories, these dangerous moms know every dirty trick in the book to keep their kids under their influence.
If, for example, you have been offered a new job or even a promotion, your mom will never encourage you to go for it, instead, she’ll make you doubt your capacities and openly put you down in front of other people. Her reluctance to support you can be traced back to her jealousy and the fact that she doesn’t want other people to believe her own daughter is more successful than her.
Whenever you find the courage to confront her regarding her behavior, she always manages to turn the situation around and convince you that you are the problem. It’s you who is being sensitive, and it’s you who is unable to accept her so-called tough love. Narcissistic moms never take responsibility for their actions, not even towards their own children...
Lies constantly spew out of her mouth, to the point where you are truly unable to tell when she is actually telling the truth.
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Making you feel guilty is her number one priority because she wants to paint herself out to be a victim. She wants to appear as downtrodden and helpless, and will do whatever it takes to change the narrative when you begin to confront and expose her toxicity.
She simply doesn’t possess the courage to utter the words ‘I’m sorry’...
Indifference prevents the bond of attachment, but also detachment, which is essential for the child to become aware of its importance and uniqueness. This indifference creates insecurity, and a lack of protection and assurance for the child. The child lacks a framework and balance, has no stable reference point, and thinks that he or she does not deserve attention or protection.
Toxic mothers make their children their confidant, their confessor, or their ally in case of marital conflict. They say things or make them participate in inappropriate activities, meetings, and gatherings. They make it a useful "object", going from the trophy that is exhibited to the punching bag on which they will unload their anger, their frustrations, and their anguish.
In a narcissistic family relationship, there is a reversal of roles, with the child taking the place of the parent. These mothers "penetrate" their child's intimacy and ask him or her to take charge of what is in principle a parental responsibility. They remain in a 'child' role, do not assume any responsibility, and do not take over any part of what naturally belongs to the parent.
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When you feel like your mother is a bully and that your relationship is very one-sided, it can be easy to despair, however, there are certain proven methods that help turn even the most toxic of relationships into healthy ones;
Whatever we think about narcissists, we simply cannot deny that they are very cunning and intelligent people. When it comes to manipulating their moms, they’ll ensure that they are isolated from the group, with the idea of dividing to conquer. They also inflict on their moms punishments that hurt and humiliate them. Likewise, they aim to create mistrust by talking to other family members, creating doubts and conflicts.
Narcissistic people can have complex relationships with their mothers. In many cases, they may use their mother as a source of validation and admiration, constantly seeking her approval and attention to bolster their own self-esteem. However, these relationships can be superficial and manipulative, as narcissistic people tend to prioritize their own needs and desires. They can also be critical of their mother, accusing her of not valuing them enough. Ultimately, the dynamic between a narcissistic person and their mother can be tinged with manipulation, emotional dependence and a constant quest for admiration, which can make for a difficult and sometimes toxic relationship.
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A narcissistic mom and a controlling mom may have similarities in their behaviors, but there are also important differences between the two. A narcissistic mom is one who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or significant narcissistic traits. Narcissistic moms tend to be self-centered, have a constant need for admiration and validation, and lack empathy for others, including their own children. They may use their children to feed their self-esteem and expect to be the center of attention at all times. They can also be manipulative, emotionally exploitative and have difficulty meeting their children's emotional needs. Narcissistic moms tend to value their own image and need over those of their children.
On the other hand, a controlling mom is one who tends to exert excessive control over her children's lives. She may have an excessive fear of her children's failure or vulnerability, and try to control everything to protect them. She may make all the decisions for them, impose strict rules, and find it difficult to grant them a degree of autonomy. A controlling mom may have good intentions, but her behavior can be stifling for children, limiting their development of independence and self-confidence.
It's important to note that both types of behavior can have detrimental consequences for children's emotional well-being. Children raised by narcissistic or controlling moms may struggle to develop healthy self-esteem, set personal boundaries, and thrive in interpersonal relationships.
Distancing yourself from a narcissistic mother can be a difficult process, but here are some suggestions that may help:
Editor’s opinion - Sometimes walking away is the healthiest decisionChildren of narcissistic parents will know how painful and draining it is to maintain a relationship with them, so why not walk away once and for all and break free? Hear me out! As with any toxic relationship; be it with a boyfriend or a friend, we always advise putting our mental health first and taking the distance necessary in order to protect ourselves, so why wouldn’t we do the same with our moms too? Although cutting your mom off may seem a little extreme to some, if she is dangerous for your mental health and makes you feel terrible about yourself, you don’t really have a lot to lose in the grand scheme of things. Life is too short to spend it with people who drag us down, despite our blood link with them. 🤗 Understand yourself, accept yourself, be happy... Let’s do it here and now! #BornToBeMe |
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This helps so much. I feel like I can never be right with my mother. I will definitely be paying attention to the signs.
Kaitlyn Forno