How To Heal From The Pain Of Being Rejected

What is a rejection wound?

I have always been afraid of not being good enough and terrified of other people’s judgments. The rejection wound is described, by Lise Bourbeau in her book "The Five Wounds That Keep You from Being Yourself", as a feeling, founded or imagined, of having been rejected and unwanted by someone.

💔 It is therefore our feelings that suffer an emotional shock, although the degree of it can be more or less severe according to different parameters which include; personality, age, context ...

Nevertheless, what characterizes the rejection wound is the suffering in the long term. It is as if we are living in situations of rejection repeatedly on a daily basis. Of course, when we have an argument with someone we love, and we are anxious, we don't say to ourselves "oh, that's my rejection wound that is activated!" Most of the time, it remains repressed and unconscious whilst resurging from our past.

The causes of this feeling

I know that I was a surprise baby, I was not planned by my parents. If I talk about it, it's because it can be one of the causes of the rejection wound. Just like being born a girl when the parents wanted a boy or vice versa... There are a bunch of other reasons, which take place in childhood 👶. Indeed, in childhood we acquire self-confidence, and we will have a determining social environment. However, if the child feels a rejection, conscious or not, of the parents, then an emotional void will be created.

> The wound of rejection often has a link with the phase where children become aware that their mother cannot constantly be with them; this is also known as separation anxiety 👩👦.

Factors that reinforce the pain

Not all childhood wounds are experienced in the same way. Some of us manage to master, them when others repress them. If healing doesn’t take place, other factors need to be taken into account, and these include:

• Hypersensitivity: if one is hypersensitive or has psychological disorders.
• Violence: if you have been abused or neglected, especially during childhood.
• Recurrence: if you have experienced several situations of rejection, such as a sudden break-up in love, or even in friendship.
• The degree of affection: if it is an attachment figure such as a mother or father, or a very close person, the feeling of rejection will be experienced more violently.
• Investment: if we are fully invested in the relationship, if it occupies all our mental space.

How can we tell if we are suffering from a rejection wound?

Two types of behavior can help us understand if we are suffering from a rejection wound.

• Fleeing situations: since we are afraid of abandonment and rejection by others, we tend to flee from social relationships, regardless of their nature (love, family, friends, professional, etc.). This is a defense mechanism many of us use to avoid suffering and for fear of failure in regard to new relationships.
• Lack of self-confidence: we constantly question who we are. We feel that we are not interesting enough, pretty enough, funny enough, etc. In addition to that, we feel more easily attacked by others, by their words or their behavior. One will tend to think that one is never appreciated sincerely because of this lack of esteem.

➜ What are the consequences? We'll engage in self-sabotaging acts in our relationships because of the anticipation of rejection. We will put others first, to the point where we forget about ourselves in certain situations.

How can we get over the feeling of being rejected?

Unfortunately, one cannot really heal from a rejection wound 😞. It would be nice if we could have a "delete" button somewhere inside us, to remove what is hurting us (personally, it would be very helpful to me!). Nonetheless, rest assured, because we can learn to stop overreacting to that emotional hurt, that's what I've learned to do.

Listening to yourself

In order to do this, it is necessary to do some introspection. Indeed, self-analysis allows one to find the origins and the meaning of the wound, while accepting the feelings that are linked to it. You have to be able to turn to your inner world by listening, observing, and analyzing your emotions in relation to a situation.

➜ For example 🧐: A friend cancels lunches with us several times. We must manage to understand what this evokes in us before talking to her about it. We will tend to think: "she’s only canceling because she is tired of me". While communication is the key, the real reason may be that our friend is having financial problems, for example.

Except that coming to terms with your emotions is easier said than done, especially if you've never taken the time to listen to yourself 😳.

Surround yourself and talk about it

Indeed, doing this type of exercise alone is complex. For the longest time, I was unaware of my inner wounds, I didn’t have the open-mindedness to go and look for the answers deep inside myself. That's why you have to seek professional help.

Psychological support is the best way to learn to accept your emotional scars. Listening and avoiding making judgments allow us to express ourselves freely about our past and our feelings. This allows us to begin a phase of reconstruction to calm our emotions. The most appropriate type of follow-up for such suffering is psychoanalysis. It allows us to look into our past, what handicaps us.

➜ From there on, we will be able to understand that we are not responsible for this rejection wound. It is a way to forgive others and forgive ourselves to move forward and live a healthier life 🤗.

What rejection does to a man

In general, whether it's men or women, everyone wants to experience love and is afraid of rejection. And it is not surprising that women are even more afraid of it than men. Because men are more used to "jumping in" to seduce, to dare to make the first move, they are therefore more likely to be rejected than women. And, even if it doesn't always feel good, let's say they are more used to it. So you see very different behaviors in relationships. Women are often so afraid of rejection that they act in such a way as not to suffer it, provoke it, face it, or live it. Men, on the other hand, avoid rejection not out of fear, in general, but out of comfort and habit. Men often try to bury the pain caused by rejection, simply because they worry that it will hurt their egos and therefore make them look weak.

Escaping as a social habit

If we carry the wound of rejection within us, we often adopt defense mechanisms and develop specific behaviors in response to it. Frequently, it’s characterized by avoidance, often without us even realizing it.

• Wanting to be alone,
• Underestimating yourself,
• Fading into the background,
• Avoiding eye contact,
• Not sharing your opinion,
• Saying very little,
• Fear of not being understood,
• Changing your behavior to appease others,
• Changing the subject when it feels uncomfortable,
• Daydreaming or disconnecting from reality,
• Overthinking situations or conversations,
• Being a perfectionist,
• Feeling unimportant,
• Avoiding certain social situations (birthdays, parties, family gatherings, etc.),
• Experiencing conflict with the parent of the same gender.
• The gap between experience and expectations.

Overcoming feelings of rejection

Overcoming the feeling of rejection can be a challenging process, but it’s absolutely possible with time, patience, and the right tools and strategies. To close this gap and finally feel accepted, you can follow these four steps:

• ✔️ Understand where the feeling of rejection comes from, accept and acknowledge your emotions: The first step is recognizing and accepting what you’re feeling without judgment. It’s normal to feel hurt, sad, angry, or confused after experiencing rejection. Don’t judge or suppress those feelings. Instead, accept them as a natural part of the human experience – see them as a wave that passes. Let them flow; allow yourself to feel them.
• ✔️ Release buried emotions: Once these emotions are identified, let them out and, if possible, express them, either by talking to a trusted friend or writing them down. Writing can be incredibly therapeutic.
• ✔️ Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. Rejection can be tough, and it’s important to care for yourself. Take time to relax, do things you enjoy, or simply allow yourself to feel down without guilt.
• ✔️ Reach out to others by confronting your social anxiety.
• ✔️ Learn to exist without needing external validation: Work on improving your self-esteem. This may involve recognizing your strengths, working on your weaknesses, and reminding yourself that your worth is not determined by others’ opinions.

👉 This is a tough journey to undertake alone, which is why it’s important to seek help from a professional if needed. Understanding your past wounds is key to building meaningful connections and no longer feeling rejected.

Be sure to check out the following articles too:

• Here's why I have an inferiority complex
• Do we have to love our parents?
• Why traveling alone is great!