I Hate Surprises... But Why? What Does It Hide?

An aversion to what I can’t control

I know that one of the things I really dislike about surprises is the fact that I can’t control anything. I’m a bit like Monica from Friends, I love organizing things and above all having control over everything 😬. So as surprises are unpredictable in nature, it often makes me really upset (and floors me 🫠). There’s a simple explanation for this need for control, according to Dr. Ellen Hendriksen:

“The need for control often stems from anxiety. When we feel uncertain or threatened, we seek to control our environment to feel safe.”

I suffer from an anxiety disorder, and I bet that anyone who doesn’t like surprises is affected by anxiety. Sure, you might not be at the point where it becomes pathological, but you don’t like what the uncertainty of surprises brings 🤔.

👋 You may be interested in this article: Why do I only ever imagine the worst?

A protection like disappointment

As well as being a control freak like Monica, I must admit that there’s something else. I’m afraid of being disappointed. If things aren’t done MY way, I know it won’t be PERFECT, as I imagined it. Psychologist Leon F. Seltzer confirms what I’m saying, as he explains that the fear of disappointment leads us to avoid surprises.

Monica, shocked that things aren’t going according to plan

I’ll admit that when reading what I’ve written, I come across as an ultra-demanding princess, intolerant of frustration, but that’s because I’ve got into the habit of being very hard on myself 🤐. I’m a perfectionist, I need to do things perfectly, and I confess, I expect others to do the same. Except... not everyone has the same view of things, and thankfully so!

A need for predictability

Routine gives us a feeling of stability and predictability. Surprises, by disrupting this routine, can destabilize us. Dr David Anderson points out:

“For some people, routines are reassuring and calming. Surprises can upset this balance and cause stress.”

I have to admit that I don’t feel as concerned about this aspect, because although I love routine, I also hate it. However, I need to control when I go out of my comfort zone, my routine, to feel good, that’s a fact 🙃.

Especially as a surprise can provoke intense emotional reactions in me. Yes, I’m hypersensitive and feel easily overwhelmed by big stimuli. When I’m going to be subjected to noise or something, I have to mentally prepare myself for it, so I don’t get floored (again 😅).

👋 You may be interested in this article: How to live with a hypersensitive person?

Is it a real surprise?

I hope I’ve helped you understand a little more about how you work, through my experience, but I figure it might not be a surprise to you 👀. Perhaps you’ve already identified some of the aspects I’ve touched upon. So what do you do with all this?

It all depends on you and the feedback you get from those around you. If they tell you that you’re inflexible, then perhaps you need to work a little on your perfectionism, your need for control or fear of disappointment. However, if this doesn’t affect your life, you don’t need to worry about it 😉.

Personally, I’m trying to defuse the situation a bit and put things into perspective. I’m working on all of these aspects of my personality, and I’m even hoping for a surprise one day to see how I adapt. Mind you, a little surprise from my two best friends and not in public, let’s not get carried away 😝. But I’m thinking that it could be a nice way to be grateful to the people who’ve prepared all this for me and to savor this moment in life to the full.

Be sure to check out these articles too;

• What is the PERMA method?
• Why I spend too much
• How to put a stop to cutting people off