He's Perfect But I Don't Feel A Spark - Why Don't I Love Him?

Last updated by Lauren Hart

The other day, I was having a conversation with one of my best friends, who was telling me about a man she’d been seeing. She’d been on several dates with him, and she was telling me that everything always went really well and that they always had a good time. But here’s the thing. On paper, the man she was seeing had everything going for him, but she wasn’t in love. Ah… I could see that this was upsetting her and that she didn’t know what to do with the situation. I think that if you’re reading this article, you might be in the same position too. So here’s what I replied to her.

He's Perfect But I Don't Feel A Spark - Why Don't I Love Him?

Is it normal to not feel sparks in a relationship?

'Love can't be ordered' - This quote says it all. Love isn’t something that can be ordered, and we don’t know why we choose to love one person rather than another. It can appear from one day to the next, with someone you don’t know or, on the contrary, someone you know well. This is how romantic friendships are born. On the other hand, it can disappear when you were convinced that it would be “the one” forever. Love should make you feel amazing, and if you are feeling rather empty or deflated in your relationship, then perhaps it's time to move on.

In short, love and feelings can’t be bought. As I explained to my friend, just because the man in front of her is nice and has a good professional and financial situation doesn’t mean she’ll fall in love. If there isn’t that little spark, that special chemistry and attraction between them, he’s just not the right person 🤕.

A quick reminder of how to tell if you’re in love ✅

  • You feel “butterflies in your stomach”, in other words, excitement and pleasure at the thought of seeing them,
  • You’re physically attracted to them, they’re gorgeous,
  • You find them charming, you feel under their spell,
  • You want to spend all your time with them,
  • You feel sad or even jealous when the other person isn’t with you,
  • etc.

No obligation to love

Once you’ve remembered that love isn’t something you can control, it’s also a good idea to remember that you’re under no obligation to love. We don’t owe anyone anything, no matter what the situation is: whether they paid for us at a restaurant, whether we did activities together, even whether we slept together! Some people complain about being in the “friendzone”, but that’s not a valid argument. You can’t force someone to love you, no matter how kind and caring you are.


Nobody should put pressure on it, that’s not how love works!

Nevertheless, on the other hand, you mustn’t use the person you love to manipulate them and obtain favors or advantages either. Of course, you may not fall in love on command, but that doesn’t mean you need to become a manipulative person.

👉 If there’s no obligation to love, there’s at least the obligation to respect the other person. I’m in favor of admitting your feelings when they’re there, and the same goes for when they’re not 🙁. It’s the least we can do to tell the other person what’s going on inside of us, especially if they’re hoping for a happy future with us.

Freeing yourself from what’s expected of you

As well as freeing yourself from the other person’s expectations, you have to free yourself from your own expectations. What I understood from the discussion with my friend was that she wanted to love and be in a relationship. Even though she’d chosen to be single, it had been weighing her down for some time. No doubt because so many of our friends are getting married and having babies (hello thirty-somethings 👋😅). I reminded her that she had the right to take her time, that not everyone goes at the same pace and, above all, the same chance to find the right person.

In a way, freeing yourself from your demands also means freeing yourself from what’s expected of you. As I said to my friend, society tells us that if you’re a single woman at 30, you’ve failed in life. This is completely untrue, but sometimes these injunctions get into our heads and make us unhappy. The important thing is to follow your heart, away from any shackles and expectations.

💡 One last thing: remember also to ask yourself about your fears that may be blocking your feelings, such as the fear of abandonment or the fear of loving 🤔.

Should you break up if there’s no spark?

The decision to leave a partner when feelings have disappeared is a delicate and personal one. It's essential to step back and think deeply about the situation. Marriages can go through ups and downs, and it can be helpful to consider whether feelings can be rekindled through communication, couples therapy or other means. However, if you have determined that the loss of feelings is irreversible, and you can no longer find happiness or satisfaction in the relationship, it may be best to consider a separation to allow the two of you to find happiness individually. Such a decision should be taken after serious consideration and, if possible, in consultation with a counselor or couples therapist to explore all options and minimize the emotional repercussions for both of you.

Editor’s note: There are no rules

Love has no rules, it can’t be controlled, and it can’t be decided. The person you’re seeing has everything going for them, but that’s not enough, the feelings aren’t coming... They may come later, or they may not. Don’t put pressure on yourself, that’s just the way it is, you have to accept that you have no control when it comes to feelings. If your relationships are complicated, a source of suffering, or if the same pattern keeps repeating itself over and over again, why not go and see a psychologist to take stock? Together, you’ll be able to understand what’s going wrong and put in place new habits that will allow you to flourish in your relationships.

🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now!


Be sure to check out these articles too;

Article presented by Lauren Hart

Writing is a beautiful means of expression that I cannot do without. It has allowed me to channel my hypersensitivity, plus I love writing about psychology and personal development. For me, self-understanding is the best way to move forward!

Read our latest articles here:

Are Narcissists Born Or Made? - Let's Settle The Debate

There you have it, the nature vs nurture debate is back, only this time I want to focus it on those deviously manipulative personalities we refer to as narcissists. Now, evidently these folks get bad press and rightly so because they are often at the root of plenty of harm, but is it really their fault? Can they really be blamed for their terrifying and perhaps inherent traits, or are they simply just products and in this case victims of their environments? Let’s settle this debate once and for all and figure out how and when this disorder becomes apparent. So, are you born a narcissist or is it developed?

Do Narcissists Regret Hurting People?

From their lack of empathy to their scarily manipulative and controlling streak, narcissists arguably display despicable behavior that simply can’t be condoned. Once these people get their claws into a victim, they become ruthless and have absolutely no regard for the effects their behavior may have on their mental health. Now, as with many syndromes, nothing is black and white with these types of personality disorders. In fact, there are certainly many inaccurate theories regarding their relationship with remorse regarding their actions, and that’s why I’m here to set the record straight.

A Guide On How To Deal With Narcissist Silent Treatment Guide📕

If you've ever been involved with a narcissist, you'll know exactly how dangerous and vindictive they can be. Now, they won't use physical violence to break their victims down, although the tactics they use are just as painful and debilitating. These slippery characters operate under the shadow of darkness and use subtle mind games and tactics in order to exert a maximum amount of control and manipulation over their prey. You have no doubt already guessed it, but in case you haven't yet, the silent treatment is a narcissist's go-to tactic when it comes to punishing their victims and taking control of them. Find out here why these abusers use this method and how to deal with it.

8 Reasons Why Ghosters Always Come Back 👻

If you’ve ever given online dating a whirl, the chances are you’ve been ghosted by someone. Now, for those of you who are unaware of this practice, it involves putting a sudden end to a relationship without offering any form of explanation. If I had to estimate how many times this has happened to me, I’d say there are definitely over 10 guys out there who owe me an explanation as to why they suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth… However, all the confusion and short-lived heartbreak has taught me that ghosters always seem to reappear at one time or another.

Should You Really Confess Your Feelings?

Who hasn’t had a crush in their life? You know, it’s when you fall for someone and have feelings for them even though you don’t really know them. I’m one of those people who have had lots of crushes, and sometimes I’ve even admitted my feelings. In fact, a recent example was just before I started my relationship with my current partner. I offloaded what I was feeling all of a sudden… I’ll tell you why I did it and how to go about it.

How To Get Revenge On A Narcissist?

Narcissistic abuse is one of the most horrific challenges anyone can ever go through in life, but that’s not to say that their reign of terror will last forever. Evidently, breaking the cycle of abuse isn’t exactly straightforward, however, once the discard phase has been activated and victims realize that they can walk away with their heads held high, the revenge phase can commence 😈. Unsurprisingly, getting even with a raging egocentric narcissist needs to be carefully planned, but ironically, their self-centered personalities expose to many axes of revenge, which will evidently really get to them…

Are Narcissists Lonely?

Loneliness is one of society’s biggest enemies, and none of us are exempt from it, not even the most devilish of narcissists out there. In fact, throughout the Coronavirus pandemic, 36% of Americans claimed that they have never felt lonelier, which sets a scary benchmark for the wider population 😔. Now, lots of us would no doubt immediately assume that narcissists are too independent and strong-willed to feel alone, however, the truth is they are often the biggest victims of loneliness, yet simply have trouble expressing their inner malaise.

"Nobody Likes Me"

Never invited to parties, never listened to or solicited... It feels like you're just an ordinary person, who is pushed aside and has no value. If this is the case, we often end up coming to the sad conclusion that "nobody likes us! But, why do we think this? Now, this thought does not reflect reality, it hides deeper issues that need to be worked on to detach ourselves from this heavy feeling. Everyone deserves to be loved, including us!

6 Reasons Why Narcissists Never Apologize - They Hate Saying Sorry

I’ll be the first to admit that my stubbornness means I’m not exactly the most willing person when it comes to uttering the words ‘I’m sorry’, but I always push through my pride; although unfortunately, the same can’t be said for narcissists... Indeed, people who suffer from this personality disorder will simply never hold their hands up and accept responsibility for their actions, despite how deeply they’ve hurt your feelings. 😱 You know the idiom getting blood from a stone, right? Well, when it comes to apologies from these toxic personalities, nothing is more appropriate, and here are 6 reasons why!

Why Do I Feel Bad When People Don’t Message Me Back?

Friday night rolls around and after a hard week you were expecting to have a drink with a girlfriend, but she seems to have left you hanging on read... To make matters worse (and the humiliation?) you even saw the little typing sign appear, yet you never received a reply. Well, if that’s the case, obviously you or your "how about a drink tonight?" didn’t deserve an answer. Let’s take a look at why some people don't reply to messages, and why when someone doesn't reply to your text, this makes us feel so bad.

Wengood's favorite tunes 🎵

Wengood's playlist


  1. Only LoveBen Howard
  2. Invalid date
  3. Fix YouColdplay
  4. Beautiful DayU2
  5. Thinking out LoudEd Sheeran
  6. White FlagDido
  7. Lay Me DownSam Smith
  8. Nine Million BicyclesKatie Melua
  9. Put Your Records OnCorinne Bailey Rae
  10. Summertime SadnessLana Del Rey
  11. Imagine - Remastered 2010John Lennon
  12. Shake It OutFlorence + The Machine
  13. Space Oddity - Love You Til Tuesday versionDavid Bowie
  14. What A Wonderful WorldLouis Armstrong
  15. With Or Without YouU2
  16. HelloAdele
  17. Don't Stop Me NowQueen
  18. Skinny LoveBirdy
  19. WingsBirdy
  20. Californian SoilLondon Grammar

How to detect a narcissist

How to detect a narcissist

How to soothe an anxiety attack

How to soothe an anxiety attack