He's Perfect But I Don't Feel A Spark - Why Don't I Love Him?

Last updated by Lauren Hart

The other day, I was having a conversation with one of my best friends, who was telling me about a man she’d been seeing. She’d been on several dates with him, and she was telling me that everything always went really well and that they always had a good time. But here’s the thing. On paper, the man she was seeing had everything going for him, but she wasn’t in love. Ah… I could see that this was upsetting her and that she didn’t know what to do with the situation. I think that if you’re reading this article, you might be in the same position too. So here’s what I replied to her.

He's Perfect But I Don't Feel A Spark - Why Don't I Love Him?

Is it normal to not feel sparks in a relationship?

'Love can't be ordered' - This quote says it all. Love isn’t something that can be ordered, and we don’t know why we choose to love one person rather than another. It can appear from one day to the next, with someone you don’t know or, on the contrary, someone you know well. This is how romantic friendships are born. On the other hand, it can disappear when you were convinced that it would be “the one” forever. Love should make you feel amazing, and if you are feeling rather empty or deflated in your relationship, then perhaps it's time to move on.

In short, love and feelings can’t be bought. As I explained to my friend, just because the man in front of her is nice and has a good professional and financial situation doesn’t mean she’ll fall in love. If there isn’t that little spark, that special chemistry and attraction between them, he’s just not the right person 🤕.

A quick reminder of how to tell if you’re in love ✅

  • You feel “butterflies in your stomach”, in other words, excitement and pleasure at the thought of seeing them,
  • You’re physically attracted to them, they’re gorgeous,
  • You find them charming, you feel under their spell,
  • You want to spend all your time with them,
  • You feel sad or even jealous when the other person isn’t with you,
  • etc.

No obligation to love

Once you’ve remembered that love isn’t something you can control, it’s also a good idea to remember that you’re under no obligation to love. We don’t owe anyone anything, no matter what the situation is: whether they paid for us at a restaurant, whether we did activities together, even whether we slept together! Some people complain about being in the “friendzone”, but that’s not a valid argument. You can’t force someone to love you, no matter how kind and caring you are.

Couple

Nobody should put pressure on it, that’s not how love works!

Nevertheless, on the other hand, you mustn’t use the person you love to manipulate them and obtain favors or advantages either. Of course, you may not fall in love on command, but that doesn’t mean you need to become a manipulative person.

👉 If there’s no obligation to love, there’s at least the obligation to respect the other person. I’m in favor of admitting your feelings when they’re there, and the same goes for when they’re not 🙁. It’s the least we can do to tell the other person what’s going on inside of us, especially if they’re hoping for a happy future with us.

Freeing yourself from what’s expected of you

As well as freeing yourself from the other person’s expectations, you have to free yourself from your own expectations. What I understood from the discussion with my friend was that she wanted to love and be in a relationship. Even though she’d chosen to be single, it had been weighing her down for some time. No doubt because so many of our friends are getting married and having babies (hello thirty-somethings 👋😅). I reminded her that she had the right to take her time, that not everyone goes at the same pace and, above all, the same chance to find the right person.

In a way, freeing yourself from your demands also means freeing yourself from what’s expected of you. As I said to my friend, society tells us that if you’re a single woman at 30, you’ve failed in life. This is completely untrue, but sometimes these injunctions get into our heads and make us unhappy. The important thing is to follow your heart, away from any shackles and expectations.

💡 One last thing: remember also to ask yourself about your fears that may be blocking your feelings, such as the fear of abandonment or the fear of loving 🤔.

Should you break up if there’s no spark?

The decision to leave a partner when feelings have disappeared is a delicate and personal one. It's essential to step back and think deeply about the situation. Marriages can go through ups and downs, and it can be helpful to consider whether feelings can be rekindled through communication, couples therapy or other means. However, if you have determined that the loss of feelings is irreversible, and you can no longer find happiness or satisfaction in the relationship, it may be best to consider a separation to allow the two of you to find happiness individually. Such a decision should be taken after serious consideration and, if possible, in consultation with a counselor or couples therapist to explore all options and minimize the emotional repercussions for both of you.

Editor’s note: There are no rules

Love has no rules, it can’t be controlled, and it can’t be decided. The person you’re seeing has everything going for them, but that’s not enough, the feelings aren’t coming... They may come later, or they may not. Don’t put pressure on yourself, that’s just the way it is, you have to accept that you have no control when it comes to feelings. If your relationships are complicated, a source of suffering, or if the same pattern keeps repeating itself over and over again, why not go and see a psychologist to take stock? Together, you’ll be able to understand what’s going wrong and put in place new habits that will allow you to flourish in your relationships.

🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now!

#BornToBeMe

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Article presented by Lauren Hart

Writing is a beautiful means of expression that I cannot do without. It has allowed me to channel my hypersensitivity, plus I love writing about psychology and personal development. For me, self-understanding is the best way to move forward!

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Wengood's favorite tunes 🎵

Wengood's playlist

wengood

  1. Only LoveBen Howard
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  2. Invalid date
  3. Fix YouColdplay
    4:55
  4. Beautiful DayU2
    4:08
  5. Thinking out LoudEd Sheeran
    4:41
  6. White FlagDido
    4:00
  7. Lay Me DownSam Smith
    4:13
  8. Nine Million BicyclesKatie Melua
    3:17
  9. Put Your Records OnCorinne Bailey Rae
    3:35
  10. Summertime SadnessLana Del Rey
    4:24
  11. Imagine - Remastered 2010John Lennon
    3:07
  12. Shake It OutFlorence + The Machine
    4:37
  13. Space Oddity - Love You Til Tuesday versionDavid Bowie
    3:46
  14. What A Wonderful WorldLouis Armstrong
    2:17
  15. With Or Without YouU2
    4:56
  16. HelloAdele
    4:55
  17. Don't Stop Me NowQueen
    3:29
  18. Skinny LoveBirdy
    3:21
  19. WingsBirdy
    4:12
  20. Californian SoilLondon Grammar
    3:41

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