“When I Needed You, You Weren’t There…” How To Get Past This?

Last updated by Lauren Hart

When I needed you, you weren’t there... I’ve said this to myself when I was younger, and it’s painful to see that you’re going through something alone. Loneliness at a difficult time in our lives, when we need support, can make us feel sad or even worse. Anger, misunderstanding, resentment, feelings of abandonment... These are all feelings that can arise from this absence. Why do we feel this way? How can we overcome the despair of seeing someone we love not being there when we need them to be? Here are some explanations.

“When I Needed You, You Weren’t There…” How To Get Past This?

Feeling of betrayal and abandonment

Experiencing something terrible is already hard enough. However, when you realize that the people you love aren’t there for you, it can be even worse. We have to deal with our sadness, but also a feeling of abandonment 💔.

Indeed, when someone we consider special isn’t there for us, we feel abandoned. This can rekindle an emotional wound that we had as a child. From this, everything falls apart, and we tell ourselves that we’re worthless, that we’re a nobody if this person doesn’t even pay attention to us when we’re in trouble... The problem is that it attacks our self-esteem. It’s as if we don’t exist in the eyes of the other person, we’re disowned. If even someone we had put our trust in isn’t there for us, who will be 🤕?

A few years ago, I experienced a brutal break-up. It left me in a state of endless sadness, which gradually led me down the path to depression. I thought my best friend at the time would be there to help me through this painful ordeal, but she was conspicuous by her absence. I experienced her lack of interest as a betrayal and gradually distanced myself from her until she was out of my life.

How to get past this deception?

Noticing an absence is a way of stepping back from the relationship you have with that person. You need to ask yourself the right questions: Is she always absent, or is it just this one time? Am I always there for her, or am I sometimes absent too? Have I asked too much of her?

👉 This allows you to take stock and see if there’s an imbalance in the relationship. If that person is never there for us, it’s not healthy, especially if we make sure we’re always there for each other. There’s no reciprocity, and absence can be the right way to open your eyes to this toxic relationship.

However, this isn’t the only problem. Lack of communication can be the reason why people don’t come to us. We mustn’t expect others to guess our suffering, we need to be able to verbalize it so that they come to help us. Conversely, we must ask ourselves if we haven’t called for help excessively, to the point of frightening and scaring them away 😥...

Overcoming emotional dependence

Indeed, the people in our lives have a limit. This is what I understood from my experience. I admit that at the time, I always needed someone, whether it was to feel good or when I was feeling bad, and this is a very big problem... Why 🥴? Because when you’re emotionally dependent, whether romantically or with friends, you rely on others to help you feel good. It’s a big weight to put on another person’s shoulders and unfortunately, you can’t do that, that’s where the limit lies.

👉 No one can accompany us in our suffering, except ourselves. We need to tell ourselves that we must learn to walk alone, because we’re the best person to help ourselves get better. Others can’t do this for us! We must learn not to depend only on others when we’re going through a complicated time...

Learning to be there for yourself

In concrete terms, does this mean that we should withdraw into ourselves? No, of course not 🙅‍♀️. You need to be able to have a balance, by having healthy relationships and by not asking too much of others. To do this, you need to learn to:

  • 👉 To love and value yourself in all areas of your life.
  • 👉 Be alone sometimes, loneliness can be positive.
  • 👉 Manage your emotions better, so you don’t rely on others to help you.
  • 👉 Separate the wheat from the chaff in your close circle, so you’re well surrounded.
  • 👉 Review your level of expectations so that your expectations aren’t too high.
  • 👉 Seek out a therapist to move forward and heal from your suffering.

🙇‍♀️ Personally, I found that I had a problem with dependency and that I was also in a toxic relationship. I wasn’t irreproachable, but my friend wasn’t necessarily available to me. Yes, it can be a bit of both situations! Nevertheless, with therapy, I learned to surround myself better and above all, to build myself up to overcome the ordeals and to be there for myself. You can do it too, and it’s the best way to never say that sentence that hurts so much again... Stay strong!

Because we all need help and advice

Turning to someone else or for example a structure for help may seem like a daunting situation, however, it is often a key step to feeling better and improving our mental health. In short, it's very important to listen to our own personal needs and to understand the importance of them.

🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now!


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Article presented by Lauren Hart

Writing is a beautiful means of expression that I cannot do without. It has allowed me to channel my hypersensitivity, plus I love writing about psychology and personal development. For me, self-understanding is the best way to move forward!

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