The Reasons Why We Get Jealous In Relationships, And How We Can Control It

Last updated by Katie M.

Jealousy or the green-eyed monster as it’s commonly known has a certain knack for derailing even the most solid and established relationships. It’s fair to say that once this strong and somewhat frightening emotion rears its ugly head, peril reigns and plunges us into the unknown. We’re here to discuss where this emotion comes from, why so many of us succumb to it. Plus, we'll also touch on what we can do to avoid this envy sabotaging our love life moving forward.

The Reasons Why We Get Jealous In Relationships, And How We Can Control It
Contents: 

Controlling jealousy is an emotion that follows us through life

Jealousy is one of the rawest emotions and although it’s not something we should be especially proud of; we are all human at the end of the day and therefore all experience it. Envy follows us through each stage of our lives and is a very prevalent and telling sentiment. Just think back to high school, for example, when you (like so many other girls of that age) spent hours slating the group that called themselves ‘The Plastics’. Despite them not even knowing your name, their perfect teeth, brace-free teeth, and perfectly coiffed hair was enough to make you despise them, all because you were envious of what they had and the attention it conjured.Jealous girls

Fast-forward another 30 years and although you probably no longer wear beat-up Converse every day and waved goodbye to your Orthodontist many moons ago, jealousy is still an important feature in your life. Yet now the stakes are way higher. You now no longer risk upsetting the class queen bee and being conveniently left off the popular kid’s house party list, but throwing your relationship into jeopardy.

>>> Read; My sister is jealous of me, what can I do?

What are 3 reasons for jealousy?

From a somewhat innocent-seeming text message that your partner didn't show you, to your man being followed on Instagram by his drop-dead gorgeous new coworker, there are a multitude of explanations as to why our envy sparks. However, that being said, many of the reasons go deeper and are quite revelatory.

1) Lack of self-confidence

Having a poor image of yourself, whether you constantly criticize yourself or believe that you are way less pretty than 99% of womankind, will lead to a toxic surge of envy. Not being able to value yourself for who you are and what you have to offer will see you feeling unworthy of love and affection. If we constantly hold other people in such high esteem yet hate ourselves, we’ll inevitably always compare and torture ourselves.

2) Trust issues

Once our trust has been betrayed, it can be hard to rebuild. We’ve all had our hearts broken and been betrayed, or even cheated on at least once, and shaking off these memories is easier said than done. 

Trust is the bedrock in love, but can’t develop if we are instinctively suspicious and doubtful. In short, if we constantly assume the worst, then it’s only natural for envy to arise.

3) Societal norms

From high-profile affairs to 9 romcoms out of 10, society exposes us to cheating in every form and although this may seem fairly innocent when it’s televised, it plants seeds of doubt about our own lives. How many times have we seen the main character of a series run off with the hot blonde despite him being in a relationship? And what if this happened to us?!

>>> Read; Am I too demanding in a relationship?

How to manage your jealousy and save your relationship

Your love life doesn’t have to be catastrophic and unstable just because you suffer from jealous tendencies. Follow these 3 tips to control your envious urges.

1) Communicate openly with your partner

Whenever you feel yourself getting suspicious, sad, or angry, open up to your partner and discuss how you are feeling and more importantly why. Your partner perhaps doesn’t even realize that certain actions trigger this emotion in you, which is why listing your insecurities is essential. Likely, this conversation could even bring you closer together and give him a more profound understanding of you.

2) Distract yourself

Putting things into perspective and moving on by taking your mind off things will instantly calm you down. It will also give you the time to reflect on the situation before jumping to any sort of conclusion.

3) Appreciate yourself

Whenever testing situations crop up, use them as a lesson and invest your energy into loving yourself. Instead of beating yourself up about the way you feel, praise yourself for who you are and focus on what you have to offer. Self-love will help you realize how special you are and will prevent you from constantly putting yourself down.

Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?

When we consider healthy relationships, we often think of trust, respect, and strong communication. Although, when we are head over heels in love, we often become fearful that we’ll lose our partner, which is where jealousy begins to develop. That being said, a mild form of jealousy in a relationship can be healthy, and proves that you care about your partner and that you don’t want to lose them. This level of jealousy also helps to reinforce our feelings towards our partner too. However, if it leads to fights and arguments between you and your partner, then it can become troubling.

Does jealousy mean you care?

It is difficult to conceive of a love relationship that is totally devoid of jealousy. In fact, it is not uncommon to think that a person who is not jealous at all does not sincerely love their partner. As a result, the two feelings are commonly associated. In fact, jealousy is a response to the threat of a third party to a relationship we are attached to and therefore means we care. It is the fear of having one's partner stolen by another person, and therefore the desire to keep the relationship, that is at the root of this feeling. In this sense, jealousy is less a proof of love towards one's partner than a will to keep possession of him/her. If the feeling of love often induces in fact the instinct of possession, the opposite is not necessarily true, and it is therefore not directly love that explains jealousy.

Editor’s opinion – Don’t let envy get the better of you

Jealousy is a normal emotion, yet it is a lot more threatening and dangerous for our emotional relationships as adults. Although outbursts can be forgiven, they often leave their marks further down the line and create an unhealthy and suspicious space. Just because you get envious every once in a while, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person; however, you should try to work on yourself in an attempt to remain in control.

🤗 Understand yourself, accept yourself, be happy... Let’s do it here and now!

#BornToBeMe

We think you might also enjoy:

Article presented by Katie M.

Discover the world through my eyes.

Comments

love

Read our latest articles here:

The Temperamental Type

I’ve never described myself as temperamental. But I’ve never had a problem associating that word with my father. As I get older, I’m afraid of becoming like him, so will I adopt the same behavior as him? In fact, how can we define a temperamental person? How can we recognize one? What are their origins? So many questions that I asked myself and for which I found my answers that I’ll share with you. Let’s explain.

Am I An Empath?

The best analogy my creative, or perhaps not so creative mind (I’ll let you be the judge of that) can come up with regard to empaths, is that they are emotional sponges. That’s right, these people are a complete breath of fresh air in an often cutting world, although this sadly exposes them to intense manipulation, and emotional abuse. Their inherent need to care for those they love means that they see the world differently, and also go above and beyond for their nearest and dearest. Do you often find yourself putting others first? Well, if that’s the case, you could be a true empath too! If you want to find out for sure, read on to confirm this intriguing hunch.

Is Taking A Break In A Relationship The Secret To Saving It?

Sometimes a relationship is a long quiet river, and sometimes it's a rocky disaster from start to finish. Although, when things hit a rough patch and don’t go the way we wanted them to, we might consider taking a break in order to smooth things out. The idea of taking a break was probably made famous in Friends with Ross and Rachel’s tumultuous relationship, but is it actually the solution? Is taking time apart from the one your partner the secret to crossing your love crisis, or will it push you further apart?

Should I Stay Friends With My Ex, Or Cut Them Out Of My Life?

At a time when people’s love lives are multiplying by the second, we sometimes find ourselves with exes that we don’t really know what to do with. Which category should we assign them to? For some this situation is a source of intense pain meaning blocking and deleting them become our only option, however, others prefer to remain in contact and even go on to become good friends. Everything really depends on how things ended and if anyone was at fault. Although, even if you ended up being betrayed, can you possibly get over these feelings?

Should I Come Clean About Cheating On My Partner?

Um, now this is definitely a very tricky subject. Recently, I slipped up and let my desires and libido get the best of me. Yes, that's right, I gave into the passion and ended up cheating on my partner and the problem is I don't know what to do about it. If, like me, you are in this awkward position, the question is what do you do now? An affair is serious business and isn’t to be taken lightly. Should I come clean and confess my unfaithfulness or, should I take the silent road and keep this mistake to myself? Let’s take a look at both options. Plus, let's interpret what dreaming about cheating means!

Why Do I Feel Guilty All The Time? And, What Can I Do About It?

Are you the type of person who constantly feels the need to apologize without having done anything wrong? Would you for example feel bad about being late to a meeting if your car broke down on the way? Do things that are totally out of your control make you feel terrible about yourself? We all perceive guilt differently, and some of us are far more susceptible to feeling culpable than others. We reveal where this tendency comes from and what you can do to learn to shake it off. It's time you freed yourself from these self-imposed shackles of guilt!

Why Am I An Attention Seeker? - I Want All Eyes On Me!

Do you have an annoying habit of being constantly over the top just to get other people to notice you? Do you love being in the spotlight? If you've answered yes to the previous questions, you are definitely one of those people who live to attract the attention of others. At work, whilst out with friends or on social media, you no doubt always need to be front and center. And, even though this excessive behavior tends to harm you, you just can’t help yourself! This begs the question, where does this need come from? And, how can you rectify it before it’s too late?

Are You Scared Of Success?

Amid the fear of failing hides another fear that is less often spoken about, and that's the fear of succeeding. Doing well isn’t necessarily the key to happiness, that’s why there may be times when we fear it. Although it might seem strange, when we start to achieve our personal goals, we open ourselves up to a wave of new emotions that aren't exactly always easy to deal with. When we are caught off guard by our results, we often go into panic mode and struggle with this concept, however that's not to say we should let this hold us back.

Is Flirting Cheating, Or Just Harmless Fun?

The question of faithfulness and the boundaries regarding this notion often crop up in relationships, and aren't just exclusively reserved for new couples. We all have different opinions on what constitutes betraying our partner's trust, but does flirting really make the list? After all, we all like a few spicy thrills in our lives, regardless of whether we're taken or not. Making eyes at George, another parent at my kid's school, when I drop them off in the morning is part of my daily routine, so is that really classed as being unfaithful or not? The answer is simple: it depends!

7 Sex Tips for Women - Transform Your Love Making

Sex should be enjoyable and sensual, not something we do reluctantly to please our partner every so often. It needs to be something that makes us feel good as well as satisfy our desires. Many of us struggle to enjoy those complicit moments beneath the sheets because we are battling body image issues, for example, or aren't 100% comfortable in ourselves. Our advice will help you overcome your sexual barriers, because after all, everyone deserves amazing climatic experiences in the bedroom.

Wengood's favorite tunes 🎵

How to detect a narcissist


"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." 

- Oscar Wilde


How to soothe an anxiety attack