The blended family: The new challenge for couples
Who could blame you for backing down in the face of an obstacle, when your partner offers to meet his or her children? 🏇 When you meet his children, you enter into each other’s lives and everyday routine in a drastic way. In fact, you break a part of the romance between the two of you. This is always the case when you enter into a relationship with someone who has a past. You know that this past will end up having a place in your life, and when that past is children, it also means sharing the person you love. So it’s not very easy to accept. But choosing and loving someone isn’t the same as choosing and even less loving his children. We assume, a little too easily, that love will suffice, and society assumes even more easily that a woman loves children 🤦. All children! Her own and those of others. Nothing could be further from the truth. Loving your partner’s children isn’t an easy thing to do and above all, it doesn’t have to be, but that doesn’t mean it will jeopardize the couple!
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When it doesn’t... 💔
According to statistics, more than 2/3 of remarriages end in separation when one or both partners already have children from a previous union. Conflict between stepparents and stepchildren is the cause of this separation 🪓. We must therefore avoid idealizing the blended family.
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So many reasons to hate my partner’s children
Honestly, the very idea that these children are the fruit of the love between your partner and his ex isn’t easy, but you can get past it. Or at least you, you can get past it. Yes, because they, with their little dirty looks, like gremlins ready to pounce on you, never miss an opportunity to remind you that their mother does this better, does that better, is much more this, much more that. 😤 They’re jealous, and this jealousy makes them unbearable. For these little ones, the presence of a stepmother who monopolizes a parent’s love is difficult and on top of that, the situation can lead to a conflict of loyalties.
🧘 When they’re not sending you packing, it’s because they’ve decided to ignore you. But you’re an adult, and you decide to be tolerant. At least a little. Because yes, while we’re very tolerant of our own children, it’s hard to be as tolerant of other people’s children. Especially when you find these children bad-mannered!
👉 Yes, blended families mean children brought up by someone else. The older they are, the more entrenched the upbringing, and that’s quite normal. Here, too, there’s no choice but to show tolerance and try to understand the context in which the children have grown up. If Jean-Kevin is allowed to eat everything with his fingers, don’t force him to use a fork, you’ll only end up creating a bit more tension.
Whatever the case, don’t feel guilty, there’s no point! You’ve chosen to love someone, not their children. Perhaps with time, you’ll learn to appreciate them, but nothing is less certain. Above all, don’t force yourself, don’t pretend just to please. If this attitude works with your partner, it certainly won’t fool the children, let alone yourself. Besides, no one should feel obliged to love anyone in order to please their other half. Respect and tolerance should be enough.
With a blended family, changes need to be made gently and in agreement with your partner, their parent.
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Your partner’s children get on your nerves: 4 tips to help you cope for the long haul
1. Establish the rules beforehand
If things are to go as smoothly as possible, they need to be spelled out. That’s why communicating about the children is essential. Before you even meet them, or later if things don’t go according to plan, define everyone’s role together. Be clear about where you want to be with the children, what you want to do, and ask in return what’s expected of you. By putting your cards on the table in this way, the limits are set. They may change, but they’re set and respected. You don’t mind driving them somewhere. That’s fine. Depending on their age, you may agree to do their laundry from time to time. Why not. And if you refuse to be authoritative or, on the contrary, think you have something to say on a particular subject, now’s the time to share your opinion on the matter.
2. Communicate with the children
👩👩👧👦 You can’t stand your partner’s children, and there’s nothing bad about that, but there’s a good chance that they sense it and realize it because of the way you talk to them and your attitude. Talking to them and being as frank as possible with them is a good solution. Talk about your feelings, your problems, give examples (“I think you’re disrespecting me when you do that”, “I think it would be better for everyone if you stopped doing that”). Use the basics of non-violent communication and avoid at all costs being in attack mode by using phrases such as: “you’re mean, immature, disrespectful”. Choosing not to get involved in their education is no reason to shy away from all confrontation. Here, on the other hand, you need to make sure that your partner gives you concrete support. Here's are the things to say to improve communication.
3. Try another approach
If the situation is getting on your nerves, you can use Gandhi’s phrase “be the change you want to see in the world” to a lesser extent. To bring about a change in your partner’s children’s behavior, start by changing your own behavior. Communicate more, talk to them about what they like, what they’d like to do, suggest activities or simply spend a little time with them rather than constantly reproaching them and creating tension. After a week you may already notice the first positive effects, and if not, simply choose to put some distance between you.
4. Make time for each other a priority
This may not be the easiest decision to make, but it’s undoubtedly the healthiest. If the relationship between you and your partner’s children really isn’t working, you can simply choose to do something else when they’re around or, more generally, not live together 👋. This could be the solution when you’re faced with educational choices that you don’t understand, or don’t approve of. Rather than ending up frustrated and gradually annoyed and then disappointed by your partner’s behavior, it’s better to spend time together just the two of you.
Living a second love life while trying to create the perfect little blended family is often illusory, so the simplest thing is still to opt for the pattern that suits you best. Give yourself time to yourself every time the children arrive or live separately and come together to share life as a couple, and only as a couple, not as co-parents.
Editor’s note: The mirror effectOften, when we have problems with our partner’s children, it’s because they reflect an image of ourselves that we find problematic. It’s the mirror effect. I don’t like his children because I’m jealous of the relationship my partner still has with his ex. I don’t like his children because I’m possessive and want my partner all to myself. I don’t like his children because I don’t have any myself, because they prevent me from living as I want, because they cost me money, etc. 👉 By doing this work on your own or with the help of a therapist, you’ll find it easier to pinpoint the nature of the problem and be better placed to resolve it. Don’t wait to make an appointment and appease your relationships.
🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now!
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