It’s often said that in order to give your love to someone else and be loved in return, you need to have acquired self-love at all costs. Except that’s nonsense, and it’s very guilt-inducing to hear it. Why is it that this simple, seemingly innocuous phrase needs to be taken out of our language? Let me explain.
One day, I was scrolling through Instagram as usual when I came across a post that hit the nail on the head. It said this 👇:
All of a sudden, I was overcome with gratitude. As someone who has a complicated relationship with myself, with fluctuating confidence, it did me a world of good. I heard this phrase for a long time when I was single. I was told that self-love was a priority and that I didn’t have any, I couldn’t be loved 🥺.
It’s true that self-confidence is important to be able to play the game of seduction. It also avoids having a completely unbalanced romantic attachment style ⚖️. Nonetheless, it’s still a guilt-inducing phrase that’s best to be avoided, whether you know the person well or not.
Firstly, it’s cruel to say that a person won’t be loved because they don’t have self-confidence. It’s cruel because a lack of confidence can stem from a traumatic past, an abusive relationship, a state of depression or anxiety, etc.
Let’s take an example! Let’s imagine that I used to be self-confident, and then one day I got into a relationship with a narcissistic pervert who put me down a little more each day. This mechanism, whether it’s been going on for a while or not, is bound to have an impact on the way I see myself. Over time, I’m going to lose a little bit more of my confidence... |
In this example, does this mean that I’m not worthy of being loved? No, on the contrary, especially as trauma, a toxic relationship or any other cause can be at the root of false beliefs. These are automatic thoughts that aren’t verified and that persuade us that we’re worth less than nothing. So saying this sentence to someone who already has these thoughts will only reinforce them 💔.
👋 You might be interested in this article: How can good self-esteem help us through tough situations?
I know that people who say this sentence don’t mean any harm and are only trying to encourage the other person to love themselves more. Except that it’s just toxic positivity, you can’t push someone down the path of acceptance. A lack of self-confidence can’t be fixed in a few days. It can take years, especially if there’s trauma, abuse, or depression behind it. So we need to start from the premise that loving yourself isn’t a prerequisite for being loved.
✅ If you feel like saying it to someone close to you, you need to learn to get rid of your own savior syndrome, think before you speak, and say instead: you’re worthy of being loved.
This will do the other person much better than telling them they have to change before they can be loved. Especially as some people develop their self-love thanks to the kind love of someone else. This was the case for me, and I don’t regret getting into a relationship with a lack of self-confidence 🥰.
Editor’s note - Everyone’s worthy of love!It’s the phrase everyone wants to hear, whether they’ve had a difficult life or not. You need to separate the notions of love and self-confidence because they’re two different things. Loving yourself is important, but it’s not a condition for finding love. If, however, you want to overcome your suffering, not with the aim of being loved, but just to appease yourself, don’t hesitate to get in touch with one of our psychologists. 🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now! #BornToBeMe |
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Lauren, Hart
"Writing is a beautiful means of expression that I cannot do without. It has allowed me to channel my hypersensitivity, plus I love writing about psychology and personal development. For me, self-understanding is the best way to move forward!"
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