For a long time, I didn’t know how to ask for help or simply accept it. “No, don’t worry, I’ll be fine”, I used to say when people close to me offered me their support, even though I wasn’t doing well at all. In fact, it took me a long time to get psychological support, because I was convinced that I could cope on my own. What’s behind this behavior? Why can’t you ask for help? With hindsight, I’ve understood what was behind it, and I think that talking about it might help! Here are some explanations.
“Help yourself and heaven will help you.” Jean de la Fontaine
Even though I don’t come from a particularly religious family, I’ve often heard this phrase, particularly from my grandmother. I bet I’m not the only one who heard this kind of thing at home 😅. Our upbringing is often one of the reasons why we’re ashamed to ask for help. We’re taught that we have to fend for ourselves, as our society is very individualistic. Our Western society makes us understand that we need to get ahead whatever the cost and not rely on anyone.
However, the result of this way of thinking is that some people feel ashamed, that asking for help is an admission of weakness: “I didn’t have the skills, the money, the courage, etc. to get by”. Others, like me, feel that they’re being a nuisance. In reality, all these thoughts hide deep-seated fears 😥.
👋 You may be interested in this article: How to successfully deal with abandonment issues
At least, that’s what I’ve come to understand through my therapy. There are one or more emotional wounds lurking inside us when we refuse help. When we’re afraid of being seen as weak, in reality, we’re afraid of being judged by others, and we have a huge lack of self-confidence 😔.
Personally, I felt more concerned by the feeling of being a nuisance. It’s a bias you have when you can’t say no. Yes, with this behavior, you imagine that others are also unable to say no. So we’re afraid of causing embarrassment and frustration, which can lead to even stronger negative emotions 😡. Obviously, this hides a fear of rejection or even a fear of abandonment, we’re afraid of being annoying and ending up alone.
So, to avoid confronting our fears, we prefer not to ask 💔.
The problem is that this behavior can trap us in resentment. We’re afraid of provoking it in others, but in the end, we provoke it in ourselves 😅. By trying to fend for ourselves, we convince ourselves that we’re unloved. The lack of communication isolates us, and we end up shutting ourselves away. We end up brooding all day and telling ourselves that because we never get help, we won’t be able to help anyone else. That’s why it’s important to ask for help or to accept when someone offers a helping hand.
I’d also like to point out that it’s important to verbalize your needs and not wait for someone to offer you help spontaneously. In the past, I may have wanted help, and seeing that people didn’t say anything to me, I ended up getting upset. Except that you need to communicate, because nobody can read your mind 🤐!
Of course, saying that you need to accept help is all well and good, but it’s not something that can be done at the drop of a hat, especially if our upbringing and cognitive distortions weigh heavily in the balance. It’s therapeutic work that can seem long, but there are a few tips I’ve picked up from my own therapy, and here they are 👇:
Firstly, we need to identify and work on our emotions. Yes, we may feel embarrassed or uncomfortable, but it’s important to recognize this because it helps us to accept these uncomfortable feelings better. Then you need to try and work on your thoughts and remember that sooner or later everyone needs help and that’s not a bad thing. Personally, I tell myself very often that I’m delighted to help someone I love, that I feel useful, and that it’s an indirect way of proving that I care about them 🙌.
Finally, by gradually changing our perspective, we can also learn to see help as an opportunity to learn and progress more quickly. So we can replace Jean de la Fontaine’s outdated saying with this simple phrase: together, we’re stronger. It’s much nicer that way, isn’t it 😊?
Editor’s note: A strength rather than a weaknessAsking for help isn’t easy, but it’s important to remember that it’s above all a sign of strength and courage. A psychologist can help you understand what’s going on inside you. We strongly encourage you to make an appointment with a psychologist. It’s an important step towards feeling better. You deserve the help you need. 🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now! #BornToBeMe |
Be sure to check out these articles too;
Article presented by
Lauren, Hart
"Writing is a beautiful means of expression that I cannot do without. It has allowed me to channel my hypersensitivity, plus I love writing about psychology and personal development. For me, self-understanding is the best way to move forward!"
I’m starting to get tired of the routine and daily grind. Yet, I’m hesitant to step out of my comfort zone and take the leap. My bubble is reassuring, and so far, I’ve thrived in it, but I no longer want to be held back by the fear of trying new things. Stepping out of your comfort zone brings many benefits, so how can you dare to take the plunge? Here are 5 tips to get started! 💪
We tend to think of New Year as a sort of fresh start, making it the perfect time to break a bad habit and adopt a better one. After all, we all want to be better, so it’s natural to want to make good resolutions to bring about change. But what happens when we don’t stick to them? After years and years of watching t-shirts pile up because “this year, I’m starting to exercise” and never following through, hello, sense of failure! So, what do we do with New Year’s resolutions? Do we choose better ones or just forget about them altogether? 🥳
If there’s one article I was eager to write for Wengood, it’s this one. I’m part of what’s called the “neuro-A” community, in other words, “neuroatypical” individuals. It might be a term you’ve heard before without really knowing what it means. So, what is neuroatypicality or neurodivergence? Is it an illness? A personality trait? A way of functioning? If you’re asking yourself these questions, you’re in the right place—I’m here to answer them.
Intense anger outbursts, disproportionate verbal and physical aggression… These are all signs that may indicate intermittent explosive disorder (IED). I know what I’m talking about because someone in my family has it. For a long time, I struggled to understand their explosive anger reactions. I think they themselves didn’t know why they reacted that way… until they were diagnosed. Let me explain.
The big introvert that I am has long struggled to approach others. It’s true that taking a step toward someone isn’t easy, especially when you’re dealing with additional challenges: introversion, lack of self-confidence, social anxiety… Having experienced all of this myself, but having made progress over the past few years, I have a few tips to share with you so that you too can come out of your shell. Let’s get started!
If I’ve never experienced a burglary as an adult, I did go through it during my childhood. I remember the uneasy feeling of knowing that strangers had entered our home. I kept wondering if they would come back… The psychological impact of a burglary should not be underestimated. What does it trigger? How can one overcome the feelings of fear and insecurity? Let me share my thoughts with you.
Sharing everything with your partner is a sign of a healthy relationship for some people, even when it comes to working. However, that being said, for others, working with their partner just seems like a bad idea and the perfect recipe for tension. Do we need to separate our personal and professional lives, or is it okay to blur the lines and mix everything? After all, what could do wrong? Find out how to cope when your significant other is also your coworker!
“In any case, you’re the favorite.” I’ve heard this phrase coming from my sister’s mouth over and over again. For a long time, her jealousy spoiled our lives, but I only wanted one thing: for us to be close and united. She poured her resentment in my face for many years until it got out of control. I couldn’t stand feeling so much anger and guilt at the same time. Soothing 30 years of jealousy hasn’t been easy, but there are ways to avoid getting to that point. I didn’t want jealousy to cut me off from my sister!
Growing up with narcissistic parents is certainly no easy feat, because, let's face it, people with this disorder are unsympathetic, selfish, manipulative, egotistical, and dishonest, yes, that's right, these traits aren't exactly those showcased by the parents of the year. Realistically, these folks simply don't have the basic qualities required to become good parents, which is why, when they choose to have a family, things often spin out of control, and the narcissistic abuse undoubtedly crushes children's mental health.
Is the gaze and approval of others essential for you? Are you incapable of saying no? Do you do everything you can to get yourself noticed? This excessive need to please may well be indicative of a profound uneasiness. Why do you need to feel validated by other people so much? And how can you free yourself from this oppressing tendency? We reveal everything you need to know for a more straightforward lifestyle.
Comments