Asking the right questions about the relationship
There’s nothing wrong with having a one-night stand or a relationship based exclusively on sex. However, having sex repeatedly with the same person can lead to having feelings for them. Everything gets confused in our heads and we no longer know what we want and feel.
So you need to ask yourself the right questions:
- Do you like being in a relationship or being with this person?
- Do you feel attraction outside the intimate moments?
- Are you really interested in him/her?
- Is he/she interested in you?
We are capable of making love without having feelings of love. We can also have the impression of feeling the love when we’re just making love (it’s a good name 😂)! That’s the problem with a relationship solely based on intimacy, when it’s recurrent we end up not knowing what’s going on inside us.
When our feelings are confirmed
After this phase of introspection, there’s no more doubt, we know that we’re starting to fall in love and that our feelings are real. But how do we proceed from there? Because if the other person sleeps with us, it doesn’t mean that they have feelings of love. The universal answer I like to say in this kind of situation is observation and communication.
1️⃣ Observation:
We need to be attentive to our regular hook-up’s behavior to detect whether there’s potential reciprocity. Small, tender gestures are a sign that he or she also feels something for us. For example, you don't make breakfast for your regular hook-up to spend the morning together. In fact, I’ve rarely known a regular hook-up sleepover, this was one of the things that did not happen.
2️⃣ Communication:
If we notice that our regular hook-up is tender, that he’s present and shows interest in other things than sex, we can say that he’s also getting attached. In this case, we can decide to let things happen naturally. However, if you’re in love, and you see that he’s showing interest in other people, I think it’s good to admit what you feel. Admitting your attraction isn’t a sign of weakness, but of courage. Of course, it may mean taking a beating, but it isn’t good to keep such strong emotions bottled up inside.
You may be interested in this article >>> I no longer feel wanted by my partner
Commit or separate
Once the words are out there, there can be 3 types of reactions:
👉 Either it’s reciprocal, and the other person is also attached to us,
👉 Or it isn’t reciprocal, and they don’t have any feelings,
👉 Or they don’t know, and they’re lost. (He doesn’t know what he wants: should I go or wait?)
The latter case will inevitably lead to the first two. You just have to give the person time to think about it so that they can take stock. In the first case, it’s good news, even an explosion of joy. There’s nothing better than reciprocal and sincere love!
😥 Be careful, however, not to be manipulated by a narcissistic personality who keeps his options open by telling us that he’s also become attached when this isn’t the case...
When it’s not reciprocated
To tell the truth, I've been there. After I confessed my attraction, I got the wind knocked right out of me. It’s painful, even incomprehensible, since intimacy has already been established. So it’s as difficult to deal with as a sudden break-up, and you need to be aware of that. However, the only solution is to take it upon yourself to accept the other person’s response, you can’t impose yourself.
From there, we need to think about what’s right for us. Some people continue to date, but for me that was impossible. I couldn’t deal with the feeling of discomfort and the sadness of knowing that I wouldn’t have anything more. It's not easy to get over someone, but it’s the best option to move on.
Staying with someone who doesn't love you becomes toxic. That's why I think it's better to stop seeing the regular hook-up. A mutual love relationship is much healthier, that's what I told myself. Today, I’m living my best life with a caring person, so we mustn’t let go of anything 🥰!
The psychology behind catching feelings in casual relationships
When physical intimacy becomes regular, our brain chemistry begins to change. The release of oxytocin and other bonding hormones during intimate moments can create emotional attachments, even when we try to keep things casual. This biological response explains why many people find themselves developing unexpected feelings.
Understanding this chemical reaction doesn't make the emotions any less real, but it can help us approach the situation more rationally. What we often mistake for love might initially be our body's natural response to physical intimacy. However, genuine feelings often develop beyond these chemical reactions, creating deeper emotional connections.
Setting boundaries when feelings emerge
Many people try to protect themselves by establishing strict rules in casual relationships. However, emotions rarely follow rules. When feelings develop, maintaining these boundaries becomes increasingly difficult, often leading to internal conflict and emotional stress. This struggle can manifest in various ways, from overthinking every interaction to creating excuses to spend more time together.
The challenge isn't just about managing our own emotions. We often find ourselves analyzing every small gesture, searching for signs that our feelings might be reciprocated. This hyperawareness can make casual encounters feel increasingly complicated and emotionally charged.
The role of vulnerability in transitioning relationships
Opening up about developing feelings requires significant courage. Many people avoid this vulnerability, fearing rejection or the loss of their current arrangement. However, keeping these emotions hidden often leads to greater emotional turmoil and prevents potential relationship growth.
Being honest about your feelings doesn't guarantee a positive outcome, but it provides clarity. This transparency allows both parties to make informed decisions about their emotional investment and the relationship's future. Sometimes, the most caring thing we can do for ourselves is to acknowledge when a casual arrangement no longer serves our emotional needs.
Editor’s note: Clear foundations for everyoneFor a relationship to work, even a regular hook-up, the foundations, and the rules need to be clear for everyone. The ins and outs need to be known to all, otherwise one of you will get hurt. If you start to have feelings, you need to express them to the other person so that everyone has the same framework of understanding. If your relationships are complicated and if the same pattern keeps repeating itself, don’t wait to contact a psychologist. Together, you’ll be able to understand what’s going on inside you and put in place new habits that will enable you to live the emotional life you deserve.
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