I’m Attached To My Hook-Up, Help, What Do I Do?

Last updated by Katie M.

There was a period when I was single in my twenties, in between two long-term relationships, it doesn’t hurt! Of course, I had some one-night stands and regular hook-ups. Except that by sleeping with the same person, spending evenings together, and even forming a bond, I ended up getting attached… Is it bad to get attached to a purely sexual relationship? How should you react when it’s not reciprocal? I’ll share my experience with you.


Asking the right questions about the relationship

There’s nothing wrong with having a one-night stand or a relationship based exclusively on sex. However, having sex repeatedly with the same person can lead to having feelings for them. Everything gets confused in our heads and we no longer know what we want and feel.

So you need to ask yourself the right questions:

  • Do you like being in a relationship or being with this person?
  • Do you feel attraction outside the intimate moments?
  • Are you really interested in him/her?
  • Is he/she interested in you?

We are capable of making love without having feelings of love. We can also have the impression of feeling the love when we’re just making love (it’s a good name 😂)! That’s the problem with a relationship solely based on intimacy, when it’s recurrent we end up not knowing what’s going on inside us.

When our feelings are confirmed

After this phase of introspection, there’s no more doubt, we know that we’re starting to fall in love and that our feelings are real. But how do we proceed from there? Because if the other person sleeps with us, it doesn’t mean that they have feelings of love. The universal answer I like to say in this kind of situation is observation and communication.

1️⃣ Observation:

We need to be attentive to our regular hook-up’s behavior to detect whether there’s potential reciprocity. Small, tender gestures are a sign that he or she also feels something for us. For example, you don't make breakfast for your regular hook-up to spend the morning together. In fact, I’ve rarely known a regular hook-up sleepover, this was one of the things that did not happen.

2️⃣ Communication:

If we notice that our regular hook-up is tender, that he’s present and shows interest in other things than sex, we can say that he’s also getting attached. In this case, we can decide to let things happen naturally. However, if you’re in love, and you see that he’s showing interest in other people, I think it’s good to admit what you feel. Admitting your attraction isn’t a sign of weakness, but of courage. Of course, it may mean taking a beating, but it isn’t good to keep such strong emotions bottled up inside.

You may be interested in this article >>> I no longer feel wanted by my partner

Commit or separate

Once the words are out there, there can be 3 types of reactions:

👉 Either it’s reciprocal, and the other person is also attached to us,

👉 Or it isn’t reciprocal, and they don’t have any feelings,

👉 Or they don’t know, and they’re lost. (He doesn’t know what he wants: should I go or wait?)

The latter case will inevitably lead to the first two. You just have to give the person time to think about it so that they can take stock. In the first case, it’s good news, even an explosion of joy. There’s nothing better than reciprocal and sincere love!

😥 Be careful, however, not to be manipulated by a narcissistic personality who keeps his options open by telling us that he’s also become attached when this isn’t the case...

When it’s not reciprocated

To tell the truth, I've been there. After I confessed my attraction, I got the wind knocked right out of me. It’s painful, even incomprehensible, since intimacy has already been established. So it’s as difficult to deal with as a sudden break-up, and you need to be aware of that. However, the only solution is to take it upon yourself to accept the other person’s response, you can’t impose yourself.

From there, we need to think about what’s right for us. Some people continue to date, but for me that was impossible. I couldn’t deal with the feeling of discomfort and the sadness of knowing that I wouldn’t have anything more. It's not easy to get over someone, but it’s the best option to move on.

Staying with someone who doesn't love you becomes toxic. That's why I think it's better to stop seeing the regular hook-up. A mutual love relationship is much healthier, that's what I told myself. Today, I’m living my best life with a caring person, so we mustn’t let go of anything 🥰!

Editor’s note: Clear foundations for everyone

For a relationship to work, even a regular hook-up, the foundations, and the rules need to be clear for everyone. The ins and outs need to be known to all, otherwise one of you will get hurt. If you start to have feelings, you need to express them to the other person so that everyone has the same framework of understanding. If your relationships are complicated and if the same pattern keeps repeating itself, don’t wait to contact a psychologist. Together, you’ll be able to understand what’s going on inside you and put in place new habits that will enable you to live the emotional life you deserve.

🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now!

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Article presented by Katie M.

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