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How to talk to your child about sex?
I remember the adults around me having no problem talking about death, but sex was out of the question. For me, there shouldnât be any shame in talking frankly about sex đ€·ââïž. Of course, it may be uncomfortable, but you canât reasonably ignore your childâs questions about this major issue.
The author of the book âDare to talk about it! Know how to talk to your children about love and sexâ, MaĂ«lle Challan Belval, explains that a curious child who asks questions isnât shameless. Itâs us as adults who put so much weight on a trivial question đ«.
1. Take age into account
Of course, the first thing to do is to take age into account. You wonât talk about sex to a 5-year-old as you would to a 10-year-old. To do this, ask questions to find out what they know and to get an indication of what they understand. You should give the right information depending on their question. Usually, other questions arise after the first answer. The important thing is to use simple words, especially if theyâre very young đ€.
"Hey mommy, how are babies made?â The question!
đ Psychosexual development takes place between the ages of 3 and 5, and this is the age when children wonder where babies come from!
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2. Be honest
I know thereâs no such thing as the perfect parent, but I would have liked mine to be honest with me rather than telling me some far-fetched story. To the question âhow are babies made?â, I would have liked a simple and clear answer like: âa man and a woman have to make loveâ. Of course, I probably wouldâve had other questions like âwhatâs making love?â, but at least I wouldâve known the truth đ.
đ Sometimes we donât have the answer to the question. Yes, children think about things we donât consider! If thatâs the case, you also have to tell them âI donât know, Iâll do some research and when Iâve found out, Iâll tell you about it, ok?â.
3. Use the ârightâ words
Another thing I would have liked to have been taught was the vocabulary of the genitals. I listened to the podcast âBetween Our Lipsâ with the comic book writer Matou, who made me realize how important this is. She explained that sheâd taught her daughter the word âvulvaâ and âclitorisâ in particular, and I think this is an excellent idea. Children can learn about all the parts of their body, without any taboo.
â ïž Itâs also a way to raise awareness and explain that certain body parts should be touched by others. By the way, there are books to talk about sexual violence and incest with your child, to set limits.
4. Remain open to discussion
As I said, we canât say everything and there are concepts that children donât understand. However, we can encourage them to talk about it and ask questions if they feel the need. To do this, you need to remain open and not become defensive. The more the child feels negative emotions from you, the more theyâll be scared to ask their questions. As they grow up, theyâll know that thereâs a relationship of trust, and theyâll be more comfortable to communicate, especially during adolescence.
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đ€ What if your child doesnât ask questions? I think itâs important to educate your child about this major part of life. Avoid tackling it head-on and bringing it up out of nowhere, but you can be attentive to everyday situations. If you notice certain reactions depending on the context, we can question them to find out what they know, for example. |
Why to talk to your child about sex?
I imagine that there may be some parents who are very resistant to the idea of talking to their child about sex, but itâs so vital that you do! Itâs the best way to communicate healthy values, to learn about consent and to get to know their body. These are the foundations of a positive education! As they grow up, theyâll feel in a safe space to discover their sexual and gender identity, but also their intimate and loving relationships with others.
đ Need to understand more about sexual and gender identity? Iâll explain all of this in my article about the meaning of LGBTQIA+ and the article on non-binarity. The more informed you are, the more you cultivate your open-mindedness, whether itâs for yourself or your child.
A child who is well-informed on the subject of sex will have a positive body image đ„°. It will enable them to impose their own limits about body image on others. Answering their questions also allows you to avoid relying on false beliefs and hearsay at school. As in all human relationships, communication is the key to a fulfilling life, and this also applies to your children!
Editorâs note: not always an easy exercise!Itâs very important to talk to your children about sex and not create taboos or embarrassment around this subject. However, itâs not always easy, some questions can leave you speechless, especially when youâre tired or when itâs not the right time and your mind is elsewhere! If this subject is delicate for you, if you werenât told about it during your childhood, or not properly, and if youâd like to discuss it in the right way with your child, donât hesitate to make an appointment with a psychologist for advice. đ€ Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... Itâs here and now! #BornToBeMe |
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