What is the Cinderella complex?
On paper, Cinderella is a wonderful story that many little girls dream about. Except, in real life, things are a bit different. Growing up with the idea that you have to wait for Prince Charming to come and rescue you on his beautiful white horse leads to a strange phenomenon known as the Cinderella complex 😧.
The term “Cinderella complex” first appeared in 1981 in Colette Dowling’s book of the same name. She explains that what defines this complex is the bond of emotional codependency. Cinderella isn’t prepared for her freedom; she wants to be taken care of by a man.
⚠️ It’s important to note that the Cinderella complex isn’t recognized as an official psychological disorder by the American Psychiatric Association or other professional mental health organizations. Rather, it’s considered a cultural and social phenomenon, as we live in a gendered and patriarchal society.
The problem of dependence
Prince Charming, perfect in every way, is a nice dream, of course, but it’s just a dream. In life, there’s love at first sight, that’s for sure, but this kind of Prince Charming doesn’t exist, it’s Utopia. Nobody’s perfect in this world. Flaws aren’t necessarily negative. On the contrary, they make a person unique and authentic 😊.
Many women grow up with the idea of meeting that famous Prince Charming and when they’re convinced they’ve found him, they devote themselves body and soul to that man to please him, to the point of forgetting themselves. A woman who develops a Cinderella complex forgets herself from day to day. She puts aside her ambitions, her dreams and her plans to devote herself to her husband, her home and her children.
📌 The Cinderella complex is harmful because the unconscious desire to be protected and pampered takes precedence over these women’s own tastes and desires. What lies behind this complex is simply a fear of independence. Women who grow up with a Cinderella complex have only one goal in life: to look after their family and, above all, their Prince Charming. As a result, they unconsciously become completely dependent on this man and are unable to do anything without him, they can’t make decisions on their own...
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Why is the Cinderella complex harmful?
Psychologist Carol Gilligan explains that the Cinderella complex is harmful because women are socialized to be attentive to the needs of others and to put their own needs second. In fact, this is totally in line with the eldest daughter syndrome. Girls are taught to put their lives on hold and look after others. This can lead to feelings of powerlessness and dependence on others for their well-being and self-esteem.
Once a woman has found her Prince Charming, she puts everything to one side. Women who suffer from this aren’t happy. Not because they don’t take pleasure in looking after their family, quite the contrary, but rather because they have no personal ambition in life. They don’t invest in a professional career, they don’t embark on activities outside the home... Devotion turns into sacrifice.
👉 All these deprivations mean that these women are unhappy, frustrated, and depressed. But the problem is that most women who suffer from the Cinderella complex aren’t aware of it, and even if their close ones tell them, they don’t believe a word of it.
The impossibility of being alone
The problem is that to be happy in a relationship, there needs to be a certain balance. If one of the partners is too dependent on the other, doesn’t make decisions, or lacks self-confidence, the situation can become a great burden.
By maintaining this complex, these women are living in a fairy tale. They’re clearly not the kind of women who file for a divorce, and the day their husband asks to break up, the fairy tale falls apart. In turn, these women will also be completely broken. They’ll be incapable of living on their own because they’ve always been dependent. So they set off in search of a new Prince Charming to dive back into their fairy tale... basically trapping themselves in a vicious circle.
👉 The solution is to work on overcoming this emotional dependence, usually through therapy. What’s more, to prevent little girls from reproducing this pattern, we also need to provide a gender-neutral education to prevent them from becoming trapped in the sexist cliché that is the Cinderella complex.
Editor’s note: When will the penny drop?
When you suffer from the Cinderella complex, you aren’t aware of it, and worse still, sometimes you refuse to hear it. If your close ones alert you to certain behaviors or sacrifices, listen to what they have to say, even if it’s difficult. The penny can also drop through a consultation with a psychologist. Don’t get stuck in this situation, because sometimes the penny-dropping is more violent when your body starts to talk. Depression and other health problems will therefore force you to take a step back and reflect on your situation. Don’t hesitate to make an appointment if you feel that something’s not quite right.
🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now!
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