Conflicts Of Loyalties In Children, How Can They Be Avoided?

What is a conflict of loyalty?

🧠 A conflict of loyalties is when a child feels they have to side with one parent or the other.

Not disappointing dad while pleasing mum

A conflict of loyalties arises after a separation or divorce. In such situations, children often give the impression that they’ve had a bad time with the other parent, so as not to upset one of their parents. They may even lie and tell their father or mother what they think they want to hear.

While conflicts of loyalty don’t always arise during a divorce, they can happen when a new partner enters a parent’s life. In order to remain loyal to the other parent, the child may then do everything to spoil the time with this newcomer, thinking that the single parent is suffering from their absence and feeling guilty about it. The child then takes on the problems of the adults and doesn’t understand that they still have the right to love both parents.

In the case of frequent arguments between the two partners or even between the couple and the grandparents, a conflict of loyalties can also manifest itself. 👉 What are the 10 signs you grew up in a toxic family?

It’s important to make your child understand that they have the right to love both parents.

What are the signs to recognize a child who’s suffering?

Conflicts of loyalty rarely appear before the age of 4. Certain signs should alert you and may indicate that your child is experiencing a conflict of loyalties.

• The child will be more anxious and aggressive and will withdraw (👋 How can I reduce stress in children?).
• They don’t act in the same way with each of their parents
• They avoid talking about one of their parents. Especially if they feel it’s making them feel uncomfortable
• They feel less like seeing one of their parents or even refuse to see them

Avoiding conflicts of loyalty

As we’ve seen, conflicts of loyalty arise from major tensions between adults.

• Therefore, make sure you keep your child out of your own conflicts. Keep relations as cordial as possible or resolve your conflicts between adults, without ever involving your child.
• Reassure your child so that they avoid feeling guilty. You need to make them understand that they have the right to be happy with both parents. Give them clear permission to spend quality time with their other parent. Finally, when they come back to you, try to show them that you’re happy for them, and glad they had a good time. Your child needs to be sure that they will never lose the love of either parent, otherwise, they could develop separation anxiety disorder.
• Don't force them to choose. When it comes to visits or choosing between Mom’s or Dad’s house, decide for them. Don’t give them adult responsibility by forcing them to choose between two adults they love.

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