Tinkerbell Syndrome: What’s Behind It?

Last updated by Lauren Hart

Brilliant, ambitious, perfectionist... These words correspond to some people, especially women, who suffer from “Tinkerbell” syndrome. But as in all fairy tales, there’s a dark side... Just like Peter Pan’s fairy, they try to impress and are perpetually unfulfilled, compulsively seductive, and even manipulative. Psychotherapist Sylvie Tenenbaum coined this term after noticing that some people were obsessed with appearances and success. Let’s explain.

Tinkerbell Syndrome: What’s Behind It?
Contents: 

How to recognize the “Tinkerbell”?

On the surface, people with Tinkerbell syndrome are the epitome of success. Yes, they’ve got a great job with a fabulous salary and have everything that goes with it 😎: a nice flat, a big car, high-quality, even luxury clothes and handbags... They want to show off their success! To do this, they demonstrate perseverance and courage, as Sylvie Tenenbaum describes.

❤️ In terms of love, they have an unbelievable number of conquests! It seems like no one can resist their charisma. It’s enough to make you super jealous of these working women who succeed at everything 🙃. Yes, but as I said, there’s a dark side to this fairy tale. If on the surface everything seems beautiful, they’re far from being as perfect as they want you to believe...

Tinkerbell checklist on the surface:
✅ Professional success
✅ Dream life on paper
✅ Perfectionist and hard worker
✅ Obsession with perfection (body, beauty, style, etc.)
✅ Great seductress

The true face of a Tinkerbell

We’ve highlighted their qualities, but “Tinkerbells” also have many flaws. Indeed, such an obsession with success and perfection often hides tyrannical and inflexible people. They want to control those around them, even if it means being manipulative 😥. Moreover, their conquests are often victims of this and are objectified. In addition, their demands are excessive, which often makes it difficult for them to stay in a relationship for a long time... These women feel like they’re better than everyone else, which reflects an oversized ego.

This portrait is much less dreamy all of a sudden 😅... Nevertheless, it’s good to put aside the halo effect and not judge these people. Firstly because a bit of sisterhood and benevolence never hurts, but mostly, because their behavior hides a lot of suffering 😔.

The devil wears Prada

No resemblance to Peter Pan’s Tinkerbell. She’s more like “The Devil Wears Prada” 😅

The origins of the syndrome

The therapist explains that this syndrome is a form of “self-repair” of all that these people lacked during their childhood. Indeed, some of them grew up with less love and didn’t feel properly loved and recognized. They need to take revenge for a potentially traumatic childhood 😕.

⚠️ Sylvie Tenenbaum points out that neglect, both physical and psychological, is part of parental abuse behavior. However, there can be more harmful behavior, as it depends on the child’s feelings. For example, a child who gets good grades may expect a reward when they come home from school. However, if the parents are busy with their own work and tell the child to “go and play somewhere else”, “not good enough”, this feeds a wound of rejection 💔.

👉 A person who has experienced situations like this during their childhood will therefore develop this syndrome. In reality, they’re just a child who wants to be loved.

The birth of a Tinkerbell

Nonetheless, it’s never easy to understand and express your distress 😪. As a result, people with a complicated past end up developing Tinkerbell syndrome, as it’s in keeping with a great emotional dependency. Most of the time they don’t realize it, it’s a therapy that brings this bias to the fore. However, there may be some signs, notably shown by the fact that they don’t like to be alone. Indeed, their existence is only valid if other people are looking at them 👀...

Therefore, they’ll adopt strategies to fulfill this need for others. To do this, they’ll maintain their social relationships, both with friends and lovers, in two ways:

  • either by keeping people at a distance ⛔,
  • or by controlling the relationship as much as possible 🎭.

Most of the time, people with Tinkerbell Syndrome will have a detached style of attachment, as they’ll be afraid of being vulnerable and getting attached...

The suffering that eats away at you

The avoidance strategy that a Tinkerbell puts in place can’t last forever, as it requires a huge amount of energy 🤯. After a while, people suffering from this syndrome will fall apart and their fear of not being liked will intensify.

Not to mention that being perfect all the time is impossible to maintain. The more time goes by, the more they’ll obsess about their appearance and the fear of aging 👵. Some start cosmetic surgery in order to keep what they associate with power and beauty... It’s a way of saving appearances and hiding physical pains like back and joint problems, but inside everything’s falling apart.

Indeed, this suffering allows anxiety, stress, sleep disorders, etc. to set in. All this can lead to the development of mental illnesses such as depression or histrionic personality disorder. It’s also a breeding ground for addiction to alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs, as the therapist explains:

📌
“The substances are there to compensate for the lack of emotional response, and are most often taken when they’re alone, something they can’t stand. What’s more, to keep up such a rhythm, you have to take drugs,” explains Sylvie Tenenbaum.

Obviously, not all women with Tinkerbell syndrome go that far, but you do need to be careful and get out of that pattern 😦.  

How to overcome the Tinkerbell syndrome?

Nothing can be done without some introspection and awareness 💡. We need to use introspection and look to our emotions to understand that there is something wrong. Tinkerbells, therefore, need to listen to their inner child, which is screaming about the lack of love. However, not everything can be done alone, because once this spark is lit, there’s going to be a long process of therapy to get to the next step: acknowledging that they’ve been toxic people 😖.

Indeed, it’s not easy to admit that you’ve hurt others. Women with this syndrome aren’t proud of themselves, which makes the healing work complex. However, you need to forgive yourself to move forward and heal the most acute pain: not being loved all the time 🥺.

Freeing yourself from the need to be loved by everyone

That’s the key to getting over it, once they accept that they’re not loved by everyone, the pressure on their shoulders disappears. There will be a search for the real “them”, who they really are, and not the person who wants to be loved by others. This process will allow them to sort out the people around them and get rid of toxic relationships. From there, it will be much easier to make room for true love and kindness to be completely fulfilled and calm 🤗.

By giving up omnipotence and by meeting their emotions, people suffering from Tinkerbell syndrome learn to love themselves better in order to love better 🥰.

Editor’s note: Get help straight away...

Have you recognized someone around you, or have you recognized yourself in the description of Tinkerbell? Then it’s urgent you act and become aware of it before all this suffering eats you up on the inside. Don’t hesitate to make an appointment with a psychologist to take stock of the situation. Over the course of the sessions, you’ll understand what’s going on inside you and how to put in place new behaviors that will make you happier.

🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now!

#BornToBeMe

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Article presented by Lauren Hart

Writing is a beautiful means of expression that I cannot do without. It has allowed me to channel my hypersensitivity, plus I love writing about psychology and personal development. For me, self-understanding is the best way to move forward!

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