Understanding love and habit
Love and habit aren’t incompatible; they can coexist perfectly well together. In fact, psychologist Robert Sternberg explains that passion starts a relationship, intimacy allows you to connect, and, finally, commitment and routine are what hold a couple together. So there’s nothing wrong with habits in love, but why do we worry about confusing the two 🥴?
In fact, it may be the passion at the beginning that muddies the waters 🔥. Over time, love can evolve and become calmer and more stable, which can give us a sense of habit. Plus, there’s a notion of repetitive behavior, which means doing the same things together, having the same conversations, or being together all the time. There’s nothing wrong with routine in a relationship, but sometimes it can be stifling 😓.
It’s perfectly normal for love to shift from the fiery passion of the early days to a more stable and predictable routine. However, when routine starts to feel suffocating, it’s important to recognize the signs and take steps to reignite the spark.
A need for renewal
Personally, I find breaking the routine in a relationship essential. Routine can feel suffocating pretty quickly, and I’m not alone in this feeling 😬! Psychotherapist Esther Perel explains that love loves closeness, but desire needs space to thrive. In today’s fast-paced world, renewal is key to avoiding boredom in a relationship. That doesn’t mean you have to split up if you feel stuck in a routine, but it’s a sign that some changes are needed 👀.
Wondering, “Do I still love them, or is it just a habit?” isn’t necessarily a bad thing—it’s actually healthy to ask yourself this question. It shows self-awareness and a desire for renewal. Reflecting on your relationship can help you identify areas that need attention and improvement.
How do we know where we stand?
To take stock of your relationship, ask yourself a few key questions 🤨:
- 👉 Do you still feel excitement and joy when you think about or see your partner?
- 👉 Do you feel respected and appreciated?
- 👉 Do you have shared goals or plans for the future?
- 👉 Do you have meaningful conversations and shared experiences that help you grow together?
- 👉 Do tensions or arguments resolve quickly?
- 👉 Are you sexually fulfilled?
If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, your relationship is likely on solid ground, and you can avoid a romantic burnout. But what if you answered “no” to some of them? Don’t worry—there are steps you can take to address these issues and reignite the connection.
How do you get out of the habit?
“Love and habit often meet in everyday life. Love can be transformed into a habit, but it’s more difficult to transform a habit into love.” - Carl Rogers
If you no longer feel excitement or joy in your relationship, it’s likely that habit has taken over. However, this doesn’t mean the love is gone—it may just need to be rekindled. Relationships require effort from both partners, so it’s crucial that both of you are willing to work on it. After all, a relationship is a partnership, and it takes two people to make it thrive 👩❤️👨.
1. Communicate openly
The foundation of any successful relationship is communication. Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling and listen to their perspective as well. Discuss your needs, desires, and any concerns you have about the relationship. Open communication can help you identify areas that need improvement and work together to address them.
2. Break the routine
Introduce novelty into your relationship by trying new activities together. Whether it’s taking a dance class, going on a weekend getaway, or even cooking a new recipe together, breaking the routine can help reignite the spark and create new memories.
3. Focus on quality time
Spending quality time together doesn’t mean just being in the same room. Engage in activities that allow you to connect on a deeper level, such as having meaningful conversations, going for a walk, or sharing a hobby. Prioritizing quality time can help strengthen your bond.
4. Revisit the early days
Think back to what made you fall in love with your partner in the first place. Recreate your first date, revisit special places, or look through old photos together. Reliving those happy memories can remind you of the love you share and help rekindle the passion.
5. Practice gratitude
Take time to appreciate your partner and express gratitude for the things they do. Acknowledging their efforts and showing appreciation can go a long way in strengthening your relationship.
Final thoughts
Love and habit often coexist in long-term relationships, but it’s important to strike a balance between stability and excitement. If you feel like habit is taking over, don’t panic—this is a natural phase in many relationships. By communicating openly, breaking routines, and focusing on quality time, you can reignite the spark and build a stronger, more fulfilling connection with your partner.
Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. It evolves over time, and it’s up to both partners to nurture it and keep it alive. With effort and commitment, you can turn a routine into an opportunity for growth and deeper intimacy.
Editor’s note: A neutral outside view to help you see things clearlyIt’s not always easy to know where we stand, what we’re feeling: love, habit, a bit of both? That’s why it’s a good idea to call on an outsider, preferably a professional such as a psychologist, to help you better understand what’s going on inside you. It’s an opportunity to take stock of your expectations and your relationship, and to tell each other honestly how you feel about each other. Don’t hesitate to make an appointment with one of our psychologists.
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