Understanding love and habit
Love and habit aren’t incompatible; they can coexist perfectly well together. In fact, psychologist Robert Sternberg explains that passion starts a relationship, intimacy allows you to connect and, finally, commitment and routine are what hold a couple together. So there’s nothing wrong with habits in love, but why do we worry about confusing the two 🥴?
In fact, it may be the passion at the beginning that muddies the waters 🔥. Over time, love can evolve and become calmer and more stable, which can give us a sense of habit. Plus, there’s a notion of repetitive behavior, which means doing the same things together, having the same conversations, or being together all the time. There’s nothing wrong with routine in a relationship, but sometimes it can be stifling 😓.
👋 You may also be interested in this article: My partner and I have nothing in common, is it an issue?
A need for renewal
I know that personally I love breaking the routine in a relationship. It’s something that suffocates me pretty quickly, and I’m not the only one 😬! Psychotherapist Esther Perel explains that love loves closeness, but desire needs space to thrive. In this day and age, we need renewal to avoid getting bored as a couple. That doesn’t mean we absolutely have to split up if we’re wondering if we’ve got into a habit, but it’s a little warning sign 👀.
It's true that wondering “do I still love him or is it just a habit?” shows that there’s a problem, but it’s not a bad thing. It’s healthy to ask the question. Questioning yourself means you realize there’s a desire for renewal.
👋 You may also be interested in this article: Signs you are going through a love burnout
How do we know where we stand?
So what should we say to ourselves to take stock 🤨? Having been there myself, I can tell you that a few questions are enough, such as:
- 👉 Do you still feel excitement and joy when you think/see your other half?
- 👉 Do you feel respected and appreciated?
- 👉 Do you have any plans together?
- 👉 Do you have meaningful conversations and shared experiences that help you grow together?
- 👉 Do tensions/arguments disappear quickly?
- 👉 Are you sexually fulfilled?
In the majority of cases, if you answer yes to these questions, there’s a good chance you’ll avoid a romantic burn-out. But what do you do if you say no to any of these questions? You can still take action, rest assured.
In fact, it depends on the “no”. It’s not serious that you don’t have plans, for example, but in my previous relationship, I said “no” to the first question.
How do you get out of the habit?
“Love and habit often meet in everyday life. Love can be transformed into a habit, but it’s more difficult to transform a habit into love.” - Carl Rogers
If you no longer feel excitement or joy in your relationship, yes, there’s probably a strong sense of habit. However, that doesn’t mean that the love has totally disappeared. We can tell ourselves that we need to make an effort to save our relationship! Provided of course that our partner wants to do the same. There’s no point in fighting alone, after all, a couple is made up of two people 👩❤️👨.
The important thing is to speak the same language of love and find a balance between passion and stability, excitement and comfort. To achieve this, communication must take center stage, so that we can move forward hand in hand towards fulfillment.
Editor’s note: A neutral outside view to help you see things clearlyIt’s not always easy to know where we stand, what we’re feeling: love, habit, a bit of both? That’s why it’s a good idea to call on an outsider, preferably a professional such as a psychologist, to help you better understand what’s going on inside you. It’s an opportunity to take stock of your expectations and your relationship, and to tell each other honestly how you feel about each other. Don’t hesitate to make an appointment with one of our psychologists.
🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now!
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