I Can’t Stand Criticism, Why Not? How Can I Change?

“Criticism, no thanks!” But why?

“You should do it this way?”, “I think you could do better”, “I don’t really like this”... These are harmless little phrases, but they can be hurtful and provoke a whole host of negative emotions. Sadness, anger, resentment... All things that cause discomfort. It’s normal to react badly! However, when faced with criticism, not everyone adopts the same stance 🤔.

I realized that I had terribly low self-confidence and a tendency to be a perfectionist, here's the 80/20 rule to perfectionism. According to psychologist Albert Bondura, who worked on the theory of self-efficacy, we all have a belief in our ability to succeed. If it’s already low, and we receive criticism, it causes a lot of insecurity.

Clearly, I’m one of those people who has a big dose of impostor syndrome, and for a long time I had the feeling that everything I did was rubbish 🤕. As a result, when someone came along to add their two cents and criticize me, I questioned everything.

That’s the problem! If we can’t stand criticism, it’s because we feel it’s a threat to our ego, as psychology researchers Leary and Baumeister explain. This triggers a defensive reaction, preventing us from learning valuable lessons from criticism...

Win yourself over before you win over criticism

I need the approval of others to feel validated. This might seem to contradict what I said about not being able to handle criticism, but in reality, it just confirms the original problem: lack of self-confidence 🙃. If someone criticizes me, I no longer have any external validation.

I think you can see where I’m going with this, if you want to cope with criticism, you need to believe in yourself rather than relying on others. Of course, building self-esteem isn’t something you can do overnight, it’s a long-term process. Personally, I’ve been working on it for years and it’s still wavering.

However, it is possible to implement a whole range of techniques, such as self-compassion. Researcher Kristin Neff suggests this as a way of treating yourself with empathy. When we’re faced with criticism, we need to remember that everyone makes mistakes and that doesn’t make us a bad person.

A mistake shouldn’t call our ego into question

You may be interested in this article: How good self-esteem can help you through tough situations

Changing the way you look at criticism

According to cognitive psychologist Albert Ellis, much of our stress comes from our interpretations of events, not from the events themselves. So we need to learn to see criticism as an opportunity to learn and grow, rather than as a personal attack. Yes, I know, it’s not easy, but you shouldn’t call your whole self into question just because someone has made ONE remark about ONE thing you’ve done 😅.

What’s more, we can also develop a growth mindset in the face of this, as psychologist Carol Sweck explains. For example, if someone criticizes me at work, I have to ask myself: what can I do to improve what I’ve done? It’s a way of changing things, positively. Learn about the art of criticizing here.

Finally, I’d say that the last point that counts is learning to manage your emotions. You need to remain calm in the face of criticism and not react impulsively 😡. To do this, we have the right to take a few minutes to observe our thoughts to choose a considered and appropriate response.

Of course, you should apply this advice as long as the criticism is constructive and kind, not humiliating and just hurtful. It’s not a question of getting walked all over and smiling in agreement. No! You also need to be able to put people in their place by saying what you think. After all, that’s part of building your self-confidence 😉.

Be sure to check out these articles too;

• How to deal with my family's criticism
• Why does nobody listen to me?
• The unbearable habit of cutting people off