The “Pick Me Girl”: Why Is She So Problematic?

Last updated by Lauren Hart

As a teenager, I sometimes said things like “I’m not like other girls” or “I like hanging out with boys, they’re less hypocritical”. These are the kind of things that a “pick me girl” typically says. I have to admit that this was me back then, but I’ve grown up and more importantly, my feminist consciousness has been awakened. It would never occur to me to say those words again. But why is this a problem? To understand, I’ll explain what a “pick me girl” is and how it has incorporated sexist ideas.

The “Pick Me Girl”: Why Is She So Problematic?

What is a “pick me girl”?

“No, but I’d rather play video games than go shopping”, “Oh no, I don’t wear make-up, I’m natural”, “I’m not a pain like other girls”... So many sentences that a “pick me girl” would say, but who is she really 🤔?

A "pick me girl" is a girl/woman who seeks validation from men by insinuating that she’s not like other women: “I’m different, because I like ______ (fill in with a passion associated with men, like video games 🎮)”. In fact, by saying all these things, she’s getting herself noticed, so she’s “chosen” by men, hence the term “pick me”. Putting down other women to get the attention of heteronormative male gazes is very far from feminist...

“Other girls go shopping, I’d rather play video games.” - Illustration by Julie Hang.

“I’m not like other girls”

The problem is that a “pick me girl” has perfectly integrated the stereotypes linked to women, so we’re very far from a non-gendered education... For her, a woman will necessarily be flirtatious, superficial, fake, etc. In short, she associates her gender with a cliché of a Barbie on legs! Except that these are clichés conveyed by a patriarchal society and the male gaze 👎.

We have the right to feel different by liking things that aren’t associated with women, without devaluing other women. Unfortunately, this concept is highly valued, especially by men, with catchphrases like: “you’re not like the others, you’re different”. Obviously, this will flatter our ego, so we’ll fall in line with this difference 😒.

>>> Read; How to get rid of emotional blocks

The promotion of the “pick me girl”

In pop culture, the “pick me girl” is set up as a positive role model. Let’s take examples that teenage girls may have (just as I did too 😅 ). In Twilight, Bella is the typical example of the “pick me girl”. She’s different to the other girls, and on top of that, she has two boys interested in her. More recently, there’s also the character of Maeve in the series “Sex Education”. Even if we love the shrink of the series, we have to admit that the other characters are rather clichéd...

Bella in “Twilight” and Maeve in “Sex Education”

However, I’m not saying that a “pick me girl” is responsible for how she behaves. We live in an ultra-patriarchal society, which it’s difficult to escape from. We’re in constant competition to please men, or worse, those who call themselves “alpha males”. So of course the “pick me girl” is highly valued in the TV and film industry because it keeps this competitiveness going and divides us further. No sisterhood is possible with this concept 😔.

A concept that’s sexist in 3 ways

The “pick me girl” is the embodiment of internalized misogyny. Yes, by constantly being confronted with a sexist world, we end up integrating all its concepts, such as fatphobia. These ideas are even more easily integrated during adolescence as we try to construct ourselves. Even if the “pick me girl” seems to swim against the tide by liking “different” things, she’s only validating a concept that’s sexist in three ways. Indeed:

  • 👉 It essentializes women, as if by being born into this gender, we’re born “a pain” and shallow.
  • 👉 It creates and nurtures rivalry, even hatred, between women.
  • 👉 It reduces women’s existence to the validation of men.

The ‘pick me boy’ exists too!

This kind of idea is even more integrated by men. As a result, the “pick me boy” also exists and is even more toxic than the female version 😩. You know, he’s the guy who always complains that women prefer “bad boys”. He sells himself as a “big, overly sweet teddy bear” and he doesn’t understand why he ends up in the “friendzone”. Except that he’ll constantly put himself down to get women’s attention and sympathy in order to better manipulate them. Yes, we’re really that much 🤏 away from the narcissistic manipulator...

Is feeling different necessarily toxic?

I’m not saying that a woman who doesn’t like to wear make-up, has short hair and goes skateboarding is necessarily a “pick me girl”. If you have your preferences, it’s, also because you just love them 🛹!

The problem is getting your tastes noticed to devalue other women and get validation from a man. There’s no sisterhood in this behavior, which is why I don’t want to have this mindset anymore. Which is what illustrator Julie Hong explains, trying to denounce this 🔊:

“One of the most important things I learned was to let go of the idea I had since childhood that I wasn’t “like other girls”. And somehow that made me better than them. I was proud to be different to them [...]. I like video games, but I discovered later that I also like shopping! It wasn’t until I left school and went to university that I realized I’d never let myself like those things because I was determined not to be like other girls.”

Being in the sisterhood

To counteract this sexist concept, we need to be part of the sisterhood. It’s not easy to deconstruct everything we’ve learned. The most harmful thing is the competitiveness that we’ve had since childhood. However, opposing and belittling other women will only convey toxicity and negative emotions. Yes, it’s an open door to jealousy and resentment.

So why not decide to close that door and open another one to kindness and empathy? By doing this, we can flourish much more, we don’t build ourselves up by putting others down. And then, how good does it feel to support women who are also victims of male oppression, right 😉?

Editor’s note: And you?

Now you know everything about the “Pick me girl” thanks to Lauren! Did you recognize yourself in her? Did you recognize a friend? Then tell us all about it in the comments, we love to read them. And if you feel bad in your own skin or different and if this difference is a source of suffering, don’t hesitate to make an appointment with a psychologist. Don’t forget that everything we don’t say leaves a mark on us... take care of yourself.

🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now!


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Article presented by Lauren Hart

Writing is a beautiful means of expression that I cannot do without. It has allowed me to channel my hypersensitivity, plus I love writing about psychology and personal development. For me, self-understanding is the best way to move forward!

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Wengood's favorite tunes 🎵

Wengood's playlist


  1. Only LoveBen Howard
  2. Invalid date
  3. Fix YouColdplay
  4. Beautiful DayU2
  5. Thinking out LoudEd Sheeran
  6. White FlagDido
  7. Lay Me DownSam Smith
  8. Nine Million BicyclesKatie Melua
  9. Put Your Records OnCorinne Bailey Rae
  10. Summertime SadnessLana Del Rey
  11. Imagine - Remastered 2010John Lennon
  12. Shake It OutFlorence + The Machine
  13. Space Oddity - Love You Til Tuesday versionDavid Bowie
  14. What A Wonderful WorldLouis Armstrong
  15. With Or Without YouU2
  16. HelloAdele
  17. Don't Stop Me NowQueen
  18. Skinny LoveBirdy
  19. WingsBirdy
  20. Californian SoilLondon Grammar

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How to detect a narcissist?

"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." 

- Oscar Wilde