I’m the only one who can do it
My life is like that. Several months after my son was born, I had to go back to work and find someone to look after him. He was 6 months old and nobody had ever babysat him. All I could think about were my friends who had looked forward to this day because I was dreading it.
🙅♀️ Unable to delegate to a stranger, nobody seemed to be as good at it as me. Nobody knows how to look after my baby like I do. I know I have a problem with control, but there’s also the guilt: leaving him is like abandoning him.
My new role as a protector
I have fully integrated the notion of a protective mother. It’s my role, but also my need: I need to protect my son, so obviously when I’m separated from him, I feel profound anxiety. People often tell me that I’m too attached to him. I perfectly understand that for some people’s balance, a social life must be resumed quickly. A social life is good, but I also thrive in my new role.
👩👧👦 I’m no sucker, managing to leave your baby or not, being able to entrust him or not, are sensitive topics that go far beyond a mother’s framework. The separation of a mother and child is a need, an apprehension linked to the past, and a learning process for everyone.
>>> Read; my experience of going back to work after maternity leave
Is separation a necessity?
It annoys me to no end, but when I say that I’m not sacrificing anything by staying close to my child, I’m sometimes told that it’s good for him too to be away from his parents. That being stuck to one another all the time creates an unhealthy or even dysfunctional relationship.
🧘♀️ To calm me down, I then think about biology. Motherhood, or more broadly parenthood, immediately brings us closer to our animal side and I think that seeking to ensure your child’s security and serenity is primarily an animal instinct. I don’t think there’s anything dysfunctional about wanting to take charge of your children’s development. It’s therefore important to be in tune with yourself, to listen to yourself, and to answer your visceral needs. Spend more time listening to your gut than your friends!
However, separation can have its benefits. Once I got over this difficult time, I started to observe my baby even more closely: he adapted wonderfully. Children are much more resilient than we are, much less fragile too, so I let go. I’ll always be his mom, and our common existence will be strewn with separations. It’s the way these separations will be managed and apprehended that will be the proof of the attachment that unites us: in order to detach yourself, you have to be well attached and this is the art of being a mother, trusting and having trust in yourself to welcome and let go.
>>> You may be interested in this article: How to stop yelling at your kids
A past that doesn’t pass
Finally, the difficulty you have leaving your baby may come from your own history, needs, values, and wounds, and partly depends on your relationship with your own mother. You may wonder why you can’t leave your child and get help from a psychologist if necessary. But above all, you must avoid making drama out of the situation!
⌚ I’m firmly convinced that leaving your child is a learning process that can take more or less time. You mustn’t minimize this situation and your feelings. You should therefore avoid rushing into it and take small steps at a time because that’s also how the road is the most beautiful!
Editor’s note: A terribly painful first separation
After months of fusion, the first separation can be terribly painful. However, you know that this separation is necessary and will allow them to create their own identity, to join a social group (the children at the nursery or the crèche), and prove to them that they can do things on their own. Yes, but the idea of leaving them still makes your stomach turn, and that’s normal… Everyone reacts differently. If the idea of separation makes you very anxious, you mustn’t hesitate to contact a psychologist to discuss the situation together.
🤗 Understand yourself, accept yourself, be happy... Let’s do it here and now!
Be sure to check out these articles too;