A different view of psychology
I get the impression that my generation and the generation after (millennials and Gen Z) aren’t ashamed to consult a psychologist. At least, we do it because we’re suffering from something that we want to get rid of in order to live better, and we know that counseling is the solution. We don’t see it as a taboo subject that’s frowned upon, unlike our parents’ generation (or even worse, our grandparents’ generation 😅).
I think we’ve touched on something that says a lot about why our parents don’t spontaneously seek help. Older generations still see therapy as something reserved for “mad people” and that it’s therefore a sign of weakness or mental imbalance.
It’s a misconception that leads to psychophobia, but as psychologist Christophe André so aptly puts it, seeing a therapist means being objective about your suffering.
>>> Read; Why are millennials so unhappy at work?
Internalizing suffering
“In the past, it was like that, and you just had to deal with it!”
How many times have I heard this phrase from my parents or even my grandmother 🙄? I’m aware that in the past, they had difficulties that were perhaps more pressing than mental health. At least, we didn’t attach as much importance to it as we do today and there was a misconception, as I said.
Except now, we’re in 2024 and mental health is a real issue. We need to take charge of our difficulties so that we don’t internalize our suffering. Who hasn’t seen a member of their family brooding over their problems, banging on about them, unable to resolve them on their own? I’ve seen lots. All this has harmful consequences that have an impact, on many levels, on their level of happiness or on their children 😓...
Refusing to hear what we have to say
If we’re a generation that doesn’t want to repeat our parents’ mistakes, our parents certainly didn’t have enough perspective on the toxic behavior they were taught and that their own parents displayed towards them. Admittedly, the world wasn’t the same then and our parents didn’t know as much about bringing up children when we were born.
Every year, there are heaps of studies published pointing the finger at the problematic consequences of certain upbringings, like this one:
📌 A 2016 study published in the journal “Child Psychiatry & Human Development” highlighted the long-term effects of controlling parenting on children’s mental health. Researchers found that those who grew up with parents who were overly controlling (intrusive, disabling, or manipulative behaviors) had an increased risk of depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and difficulty making autonomous decisions as adults...
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This is a good example of something we didn’t realize at the time. I’m not saying you have to be a perfect parent, but is it normal to come up against a wall when we try to talk to our parents about our childhood wounds or the behavior they displayed? No, I don’t think so 😕.
>>> You may be interested in this article: 10 Signs you grew up in a toxic family
How do you get your parents to see a shrink?
That’s the problem I want to point out, it’s the refusal to question yourself! It’s as much a problem for them as it is for us. As “adult” children, we seek help to be able to escape a toxic family pattern. They, the parents, should do the same to get out of the toxic parenting they have been subjected to as well. The result would be both restored dialogue and the removal of internalized suffering 😔...
So what do we do 😩? I’ll tell you how I went about it and what therapists generally advise.
👉 Set an example
The best way to encourage our parents to start therapy is to share our experiences. Personally, I decided to talk about it from the start, including the fact that I was taking antidepressants. I emphasized how much better I was feeling and as psychotherapist Yves Alexandre Thalmann says, sharing your positive experience of therapy is the best way to play it down!
👉 Talk with kindness
One thing I told myself right from the start was that I shouldn’t take the “I’m in therapy because of YOU” angle. Indeed, the psychologist Nathalie Giraud advises us not to blame or criticize our parents, as this may rub them up the wrong way. It would be a normal reaction for them if we adopted this behavior 🤕. Personally, I explain how the sessions go and I show the progress I’m making!
👉 Suggest a session together
Of course, before we jump in, our therapist has to agree and be comfortable with family therapy. However, if this is the case, we can suggest having a session together to show them how it works. An initial session can unlock things that have been buried and this can have far more positive effects than you might think!
👉 Respect their pace and choice
As Nathalie Giraud says, you can’t force someone to have therapy. It’s a personal process, which needs to come from an intrinsic motivation. We therefore need to respect our parents’ pace. We’ve planted a seed by doing everything we can, so we need to encourage, not force.
Editor’s note: Distance yourself if dialogue breaks downIf your parents continue to be closed off and if this is causing you a great deal of suffering, then it may be necessary to get some distance in order to protect yourself. Of course, all this needs to be thought through in individual therapy, but you can’t save people who don’t want to be saved. You start with yourself and if that means breaking the bond, then it might be that that’s something you need to do...
🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now!
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