There are people who donāt like to be touched at all, and who are almost disgusted by physical contact. There are people who like to caress and be caressed for anything and everything, and there are people like me who always recoil when someone tries to touch them. Why do I shy away from physical contact? What if itās all linked to the past?
I was probably less than six years old when I was enrolled in rock dance classes. Why rock when I had read and reread Martine, Little Rat of the Opera? Good question. Anyway, after only one class, I wanted to stop. When I was asked why, I simply replied: āBecause we have to hold hands. I donāt like it.ā From a dance class for two, where we had to touch each other, I changed to classical dance, where only a leotard could touch me!
A dance where you have to touch each other, no, thanks, not really for me!
Physical contact with others isnāt always easy. Some are naturally inclined to seek affection, they ask for and give out kisses and hugs galore. Others need more space and less contact, sometimes from early childhood.
So, who are these anti-cuddlers, these āuntouchablesā? Of course, when I speak of the body as an untouchable temple, Iām using a deliberately provocative tone, because often, all it takes is for a person to say that theyāre not very tactile to be accused of snobbery. Except that often itās obviously a bit more complicated than that. The rejection of physical contact can be part of your personality. From childhood, some people donāt need physical affection as much as others, theyāre bothered by hugs, need to have their personal space respected, and are content with words and presence.
Why are some people very tactile, while others have to clench their teeth very tightly when theyāre forced to hug? A study suggests that itās simply because of what youāve experienced in your family. If you grew up in a hugging household, chances are you have no problem hugging, touching, and kissing others. Those who had little or no physical contact with their family, theyāre obviously more reluctant. It seems simple: if you were hugged, youāll hug and vice versa. However, for some, the reaction is the opposite. A person who lacked affection as a child may seek to make up for this lack by hugging everyone around them š¤š¤š¤š¤. The reverse is probably also true. A child who was reluctant to show physical affection, but who wouldnāt have dared to say no to kisses and hugs, may as an adult no longer tolerate being touched.
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In any case, whether we like physical contact or not, for psychoanalysts, everything is linked to the past. Indeed, our body is often the site of our memories, our history, and our past. A scar here, an ancestorās nose there, a skin disease that wonāt disappear, not to mention everything thatās no longer visible. The slaps, the stolen kisses, the dropped hands, the clutched shoulders, and the blushing cheeks. All these gestures, all these events, linked to our body, have impregnated it, so for some people, allowing themselves to be touched means revealing themselves or returning to a past that theyāre trying to forget. And then with this impression of lifting the veil, thereās also the question of self-confidence, of whether we love our bodies. Do we love ourselves enough to let others touch us?
When I had quite painful and very visible episodes of rosacea, located on my cheeks, I couldnāt stand being kissed, but I was also afraid of being hugged. The image that you have of yourself and your past therefore also has an influence on whether youāre able to accept physical contact.
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In some more extreme cases, physical contact can be the source of real anxiety and fear, called haphephobia. This fear of contact with other peopleās bodies, and sometimes even your own body, is usually rooted in traumatic events related to your body, such as sexual abuse or physical humiliation as a child. The person suffering from haphephobia is often withdrawn, develops intense shyness, avoids crowded places where the risk of contact is increased, and avoids, in fact, any form of commitment that could lead to contact: friendship, love, sex. Sometimes this phobia is linked to gymnophobia, the fear of nudity. Touching, kissing, or hugging someone with haphephobia can lead to blackouts, a feeling of suffocation, and panic attacks. Like many phobias, it can be treated with CBT, EMDR, or hypnosis.
Iād like to conclude by writing a massive: IF I DONāT LOVE YOU, DONāT TOUCH ME! Which pretty much sums up my philosophy on physical contact. If you know I like you, then you can kiss me, grab me by the shoulders and possibly give me a hug. Unfortunately, I donāt have this phrase tattooed on my forehead and many people donāt always know how to pick up on body signals (and Iām not even talking about those who rub up against you and other street harassers). No, Iām thinking for example about this colleague, who was extremely nice by the way, who loved to show her joy and affection by hugging me in the middle of the open space office, while I remained shocked, immobile, and stiff like any self-respecting introvert!
You see the look in their eyes that screams: get me out of here!
So, in order for the hug addicts and the anti-huggers to live in harmony, everyone needs to learn to read the signals. We can start by adopting the ideal safety distance for each social interaction, so that everyone feels at ease. Then, if contact does have to be made, you should adapt according to the person and what you know about them. Itās obvious that you donāt hug your manager like your best friend (unless itās the same person! šµāš«). Nor do you force someone that you know is reluctant to have any physical contact. Here again, consent is important, and itās not embarrassing to ask someone if you can hug them or even shake their hand (especially after Covid). Sometimes expressing yourself and your feelings is just as powerful as a hug.
Ideally, no one should ever feel obliged to make physical contact, whether itās a kiss on the cheek, a grab on the arm, or holding hands. If it happens, dare to say no, and if you feel uncomfortable, donāt make a big deal of it. Human relationships are made up of kind gestures and mistakes. If itās given and received well, hugs are incredibly powerful, so we count on some people to remind us, and on others to learn to let go and slip into a comforting embrace from time to time.
People who can't bear to be touched may simply be very modest. They dare not reveal themselves and fear physical contact. Modesty is most often born in adolescence when the body changes. But when adolescence comes to an end, for some, modesty remains and becomes a source of unease. For the most part, physical touch is something most human beings crave, however, certain people canāt stand it, but that doesnāt have to be an issue. We should feel confident and comfortable enough in ourselves to speak up and refuse or accept physical contact as and when we like.
Editorās note: Respect for each personWeāre all more or less tactile and cuddly, depending on our personalities and our experiences. As Rosie reminds us, what counts is respect for the other person. You need to learn to read non-verbal cues, does their body stiffen when you get closer? Is there a slight backward movement? Donāt go any further! If these signs of affection make you particularly uncomfortable and are harming your relationships, donāt wait to make an appointment with a psychologist. Together you can understand where this behavior comes from and how to implement new habits that will make you happier. š¤ Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... Itās here and now! #BornToBeMe |
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