Today, I’m focussing on a habit that drives me crazy: wanting to have the last word. It’s probably because I’m not very good at comebacks or self-confident enough that I’m both fascinated and annoyed by people who always want to be right. But why do they always want to have the last word? What’s behind it?
Yes, indeed, that is the question. Having the last word may not be a habit for some of us, but that doesn’t mean we never do it. Let’s face it, when the subject is close to our hearts, we all want to have the last word, even if it’s some kind of inaudible gibberish that sounds like “you’re talking complete rubbish!”
🙃 Having the last word doesn’t mean you’re right. At best, it means you’re stubborn, that you refuse to let go, at worst, it means you’re arrogant.
Whatever the discussion, my father doesn’t give up and if the subject is politics or sport, it’s even worse, the conversation becomes a real fight. It’s annoying because you can’t say anything to the other person. It’s impossible to make your opinion heard! 🤐
Today, debate seems to have taken hold everywhere. You need to have an opinion on almost everything and on top of that, you need to have the last word. But why? So you’re not seen in a bad light? So you’re respected? So you look smart? Yes, that’s a big part of it. Having the last word allows us to protect ourselves, to be one of those who know, to silence doubt, lack of confidence, and failure.
By forcefully and tenaciously ending a conversation yourself, you can say that you’re defending your position, imposing respect (imposing full stop), and taking power over others. However, this desire to always have the last word can also be a takeover of the child you were. What if, behind all these stubborn people who don’t give up, there are wounded children who rebel? 💪
This is the case, for example, of children who weren’t listened to, who weren’t allowed to speak, or weren’t given the space to express themselves. Of course, there are also children who have been bullied, who have been forced to stay silent (due to bullying at school, domestic violence, or even incest, for example). Always wanting to be right means that they’re no longer the submissive, silent child they once were.
What could be more unbearable for someone who needs to control everything than the other person talking? Indeed, a conversation is anything but control. It’s impossible to know what the other person is going to say, every new sentence is a surprise, an unexpected event. The fact that we’re unable to let go, that we’re afraid of the unexpected, is, therefore, enough for us to cling to the only thing we think is reliable: our own words. That we impose again and again, ever louder.
In general, I’d say that you shouldn’t always try to have the last word. Always wanting to be right in a conversation indicates that you’re in a competition. It’s therefore no longer a conversation, but a battlefield 🪖 with a winner and a loser. It’s not a climate very conducive to harmonious relations.
However, we’re not always saints, and sometimes we need to have the last word. When we doubt ourselves when we don’t have very high self-esteem, when we give in too easily and regret it, when we don’t have a comeback, when we don’t know how to express our arguments, etc. Faced with someone who’s always imposing themselves and shouting the last word, we can easily opt for silence or sulking, but we can also try to have the last word... when it’s necessary. So how do we do it?
The need to have the last word can be observed in a variety of personalities, but is often more pronounced in people with dominant or competitive traits. Here are a few personality types who may feel a strong need to have the last word:
It's unlikely that you'll be able to change a controlling person's mind, so your best tool will be assertiveness. When you are led to deal with a person who constantly has to have the last word, it's important that you are clear about your point of view, your arguments, and your decisions, and that you stick to them. You don't need to apologize or justify yourself, just express what you think, feel, and want with respect and clarity, and act accordingly. These are usually very insistent people, who will persevere to get you to grant their wishes and will even get annoyed if you don't (especially if you used to give in to their requests before). Nevertheless, stay put until the dynamics of the relationship change.
Editor’s note: A habit that’s a sign of suffering...A pathological need to have the last word, whatever the subject, is a sign of suffering, a traumatic event from the past. If you’re unable to let someone have the last word and if this bad habit is damaging your relationships, don’t hesitate to make an appointment with a psychologist. Together, you’ll be able to understand where this behavior comes from, trace its origins, and put in place new habits that will allow you to live happier. 🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now! #BornToBeMe |
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