Help, I Can't Keep A Secret! Here's Why I'm Incapable Of Keeping My Mouth Shut

Last updated by Rosie Harlow

I recently found out that my best friend is having an affair with someone… I know, right?! When she admitted it to me, she obviously told me not to tell anyone else, but this little warning was enough for it to burn my lips. When I got home, I had barely put my purse down before the revelation started spewing out of my mouth, but he’s the only one I told... promise!

Help, I Can't Keep A Secret! Here's Why I'm Incapable Of Keeping My Mouth Shut
Contents: 

With secrets, it's the enormity of them that matters

If you think about it, there are different ways to reveal a secret; by blundering, by wanting to get yourself noticed, or even just because you are a natural oversharer. I am not a blunderer. So you can tell me your disgusting habits, and what makes you feel ashamed or embarrassed, and I won't do anything about it. On that point, I can be trusted... Well, almost 🙄. Let's face it, whilst some secrets barely raise an eyebrow, some can certainly cause a stir.

Keep a secret

I love the effect of a good secret being revealed

When I was a student, I befriended Maria, who once confessed to me that she was still a virgin, at 22 years old, and that on top of that, she was in love with our (50-year-old) literature teacher. I listened to her, sympathized, reassured her, maybe even counseled her, and at a party with my usual group of girlfriends, I spilled the beans. It turns out that it was a good story, and as it goes, I love good stories, plus no one knew Maria, and it definitely helped me captivate my audience. 😋. Although, I will admit that sometimes the need to be liked and exist in the eyes of others can push me to take bigger risks and reveal secrets to the same group of friends or coworkers.

When I have a bigger secret to keep, something important, that is entrusted to me because I am trusted, things get complicated. I'm torn between being a reliable friend and revealing this huge piece of juicy information. Now, it's obvious that some secrets are harder to keep than others and for me, as someone who's not super prudish, and who doesn't have much to hide, it's not always easy to know how important a secret is to the other person or not.

>>> Read; Why do I constantly need attention?

Why can't I keep a secret?

There are many reasons why it is difficult to keep a secret. I like to create a sensation, I like to have people hanging on my every word, and I grew up with a mother and a grandmother who loved to talk behind each other's backs. To me, this type of communication was almost normal. I thought everyone shared everything, that at home we had nothing to hide. And then I learned, by chance, that my grandfather was unfaithful... well, that was hidden from me.

And then, some secrets are simply too heavy to carry. There are those that are thrown at you like a hot potato because they became too heavy for the other person, those that clutter your mind to the point of losing sleep, and those that confront your moral compass. To deal with these secrets that are too hard to keep, you need to step back and analyze things.

How do you deal with a secret that is too heavy to carry? What are the limits?

Since I know I have a hard time keeping secrets and, strangely enough, people keep telling me 🤷♀️, I've imposed a few rules on myself. All my relatives know, for example, that if they entrust me with something a little important, my husband will know about it 🥰. We all need someone who can listen to the confidences that burn your lips, without risking repeating everything (anyway) in turn. After all, if you think about it, the person who tells you a secret is somehow trying to get rid of something that is too heavy for them. For example, when my brother confided in me that he was gay, I'm pretty sure he wanted me, even subconsciously, to be the one to tell our parents. He delegated his responsibility to me, so I shared the load!

For the really heavy secrets and those that go against our moral values, it's more complicated. 🤐

When the other person's secret gets to our head, or when it becomes our obsession to the point that our well-being is questioned, it's because we are both empathizing and powerless. The challenge here is foremost to try to detach ourselves. It is important to understand that it is not our secret, it is the secret of the other person. You can get help from a shrink in this work of detachment, which can be quite guilt-inducing. Then, it is necessary, to be honest with the person who entrusted us with the secret. When other people's secrets are too heavy to bear, we can help them to tell them. For example, family secrets can be very heavy, but the longer we try to hide a secret, the harder it will be to reveal and understand.

Do we really have to keep a secret?

Yes and no. Being able to confide in someone is important. Knowing how to keep a part of the other person's intimacy is just as important. Being a reliable person makes you a trustworthy person and this is quite beneficial for social life. However, we don't have to keep a secret, but again, it's all about the size... and context. A friend who confides in you that she has committed a crime 🪓 would effectively make you an accomplice to that crime. Does your loyalty go that far? And then there are also the forced secrets in relationships under control, imposed confidences. When, for example, an abusive parent tells the child to "keep our little secret". We all agree that this is a secret that would be better revealed.

Finally, the real thing to understand is that there is no obligation to receive a secret. You have to learn to know your limits and take them into account. Being told a secret is always flattering. You feel integrated, chosen, and privileged, but before accepting to hear the confidence of the other person, you have to make your own evaluation and be honest with the other person: "Don't tell me more, I don't know how to keep a secret", "It's an important secret that you made me. I think about it often, you are sure you don't want to reveal this secret."

Maybe you shouldn't tell me your secret...

Revealing a secret, voluntarily or involuntarily, can damage our relationship with the person who told us, but if we are unable to keep a secret, we need to communicate our weakness and make the other person understand it or work on ourselves. It is according to the capacities of each one!

Editor’s opinion: A heavy load to carry

We have all at one time or another thrown away a secret to have something to say, to make ourselves look good, or because it was too heavy to carry. Keeping a secret can be a suffocating burden, depending on the secret and the people involved, to the point where it bothers us and even prevents us from sleeping. If you are experiencing a case of conscience or have no one to share your secret with, don't hesitate to make an appointment with a psychologist so that you can share the burden with someone you trust. Your secret will be safe, and you will feel much lighter...

🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It's here and now!

#BornToBeMe

Be sure to check out these articles too;

Article presented by Rosie Harlow

Writing has always been a form of therapy for me. For as long as I can remember, I have always used paper as a punching bag. Get to know me, I am Rosie Harlow.

Our most popular 'love yourself' articles:

It's all about self-love:

Why Do I Need To Please At All Costs?

Is the gaze and approval of others essential for you? Are you incapable of saying no? Do you do everything you can to get yourself noticed? This excessive need to please may well be indicative of a profound uneasiness. Why do you need to feel validated by other people so much? And how can you free yourself from this oppressing tendency? We reveal everything you need to know for a more straightforward lifestyle.

When Do You Become An Adult?

For a long time, I’ve asked myself the question, “when do you become an adult?”. That’s right, I was under the impression that when I came of age I would wake up and feel like an adult, but in fact, I didn’t at all. For many years I didn’t feel like an adult like my parents or other people did. And even now, at almost 32, I still wonder if I’ve really become an adult. So in the end, is there an age? How do you know when you’re an adult? All will be explained.

Why Do We Lie?

Come on, let's not kid ourselves (for once), we all embellish the truth at certain points! Admit it, we'd be lying if we denied it! Whether you're one of those people who make up stories without even realizing it or whether you occasionally let slip a little white lie, we’re all guilty of fabrication. But, have you ever asked yourself what is it that makes you turn to dishonesty and why you feel better afterward for doing it? Let’s check out the reasons together!

Limiting Beliefs

The sky is the limit…but is it really? We all have limiting thoughts that lie deep within us that prevent us from realizing our true potential. Whether we believe we aren't good enough, or smart enough, or even pretty enough, these horrible insecurities present huge barriers in our daily lives. Indeed, they are linked to a lack of self-confidence and can be very penalizing if they are never addressed. Don't you think it's time you took control? Our tips will help you feel better than ever and will give you the strength to overcome these self-imposed hurdles.

Cute Aggression

Have you heard of “the dimorphic expression of positive emotion”? No, so imagine: your best friend has just given birth, and she presents you with her fresh, pretty and cute newborn. You think he’s adorable, beautiful with his big eyes and his little cheeks. So cute that you want to smash him. Yes, yes, I said smash.

But Why Do I Blush?

A mundane, everyday situation. I arrive at my gym. The coach is in the middle of a conversation with a young man I don’t know. She takes the time to say hello to me (of course) and compliment me on my new haircut (nice) and the young man adds: “Indeed, nice haircut.” And then my face goes bright red and I slip away, embarrassed. To think that I didn’t have a mask to hide myself!

Self-Love Checklist

Life can be a bit of a rollercoaster, and whilst I'm sure we'd all agree that at times we are lucky enough to experience dizzying highs, at other points, we all go through gut-wrenching lows that really do bring us crashing down. Feeling good about ourselves 365 days a year is certainly a big ask, but it's definitely not impossible, and I'm proof of that! Psst, lean in, I want to let you into a secret! Whenever I'm feeling down or when my anxiety spins out of control, I take a look at my self-love checklist for inspiration and decide that it's time to make myself feel better about things.

Superego

Even if you don’t know anything about psychoanalysis, there’s one name we all know: Freud. In 1923, Freud published The Ego and the Id. In this work, Freud defined and developed the concept of the superego in parallel with the ego and the id. The superego would be our moral conscience. All will be explained.

“I Love Myself And It Feels Good”…

I sometimes say this sentence. There are days when I feel good and/or beautiful, so when I look in the mirror, I say, “I love myself” and it feels good. However, I’m sorely lacking in self-confidence. There are lots of things that make loving myself a rollercoaster ride, so today I decided to tell you all about it in this very intimate article. When self-love is a long path…

What Is Introspection?

I always thought I was in tune with myself and that I knew myself really well! That’s what I said to myself a few years ago before spending several weeks looking introspectively at my inner self. I realized that I wasn’t actually listening to my thoughts! From that point onwards, my journey of self-analysis hasn’t finished, and is still very much ongoing. There are benefits of introspection, so I will explain what it’s all about and above all give you tips to self-analyze successfully.

Wengood's favorite tunes 🎵

How to detect a narcissist


"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." 

- Oscar Wilde