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A sexist performance
68% is the number of men who feel pressure during sex, according to a survey on male sexuality. It’s true that many men get caught up in this quest for performance. As the doctor Gilbert Bou Jaoudé explains, men don’t see sex as a moment of shared pleasure. You absolutely have to reach orgasm, otherwise, what’s the point 🤷♂️? I’m just caricaturing because many think like this due to toxic masculinity. Yes, we live in a patriarchal society, which loves the cliché of the “alpha male” having to be a sexual beast with jackhammer penetration 😅.
🔞 This of course is all reinforced by pornography, which has a huge impact on men’s sexuality. According to the same study, 46% of respondents admitted that it had an impact on their sex life. Except that pornography is still cinema, it’s edited, and it doesn’t reflect reality at all... |
The impact on women
Men are the ones who feel the most pressure to perform during sex. This is of course not true! I started by talking about men, because we often think that men are subjected to more pressure in bed. However, women feel just as much pressure during sex. We’re already subjected to all the injunctions on our bodies, thinness, hair, our breasts, etc.
Nevertheless, to “simply” illustrate female pressure, you just have to ask a question: have you ever faked an orgasm? Unfortunately, I bet that many women will answer yes... This is what an Ifop survey proves: 2 out of 3 women have already faked an orgasm!
Many women are under pressure to perform from men and don’t dare to say they didn’t take pleasure from it...
👉 There are many reasons for this: the act that revolves around penetration, a poor knowledge of their bodies, the fear of saying what they really like, a problem with vaginismus, etc. But then, why do we systematically answer yes to the question “did you come?” 😅? Because we want to reassure our partner that he’s fulfilled his role and therefore his male performance... In short, it’s a vicious circle that only perpetuates the injunctions!
A good thing that allows us to better understand how we function is masturbation >>> Female masturbation for intense pleasure
How to get rid of pressure in bed?
Since the start of this article, I’ve only been talking from a classically gendered, heterosexual perspective, i.e. with a cisgender man and a cisgender woman. I confess that I haven’t found any data regarding sexual pressure in the LGBTQIA+ community. Is it because they’ve deconstructed all the clichés around gender and “normal” sexuality, the one conveyed by society? Perhaps. Or is it due to the lack of studies on this group of people, because society doesn’t care about them? Surely.
Whatever the numbers, it can be said that people who break out of the classic pattern have gone through a lot of deconstruction to embrace their sexuality or gender. This is where the difference can be made, deconstructing yourself allows you to no longer feel pressure in bed. You free yourself from injunctions by working on your thoughts.
Learning to let go
You know, those thoughts about getting and giving an orgasm at all costs and being “a good lay”. Or even the ones about how often you have sex: “oh my God, it’s been a month since we had sex!” In short, it’s all these little thoughts that are ingrained in us, because of our experiences and society, and that increases the pressure. They prevent us from concentrating on the essentials: pleasure and sensations. It’s by putting our brain in OFF mode and by letting ourselves be carried away by our bodily sensations that we’re freed from the pressure once and for all 🧠.
👉 Only it’s easier said than done. I’ve already given you 7 tips on how to let go in bed, which may be a point to start digging 🔎.
However, if the blockage is huge, and you can’t get over it, the best thing to do is to see a sex therapist who can help you let go of all the thoughts related to performance pressure. Talking about and expressing your vision of sexuality also helps you to deconstruct it with the help of a therapist. So don’t wait any longer to free your sexuality ❤️!
Editor’s note: Listen to yourselves!Pressure to be a good mother, a perfect employee, a good lay, there’s pressure everywhere! If you’re reading this article, you’re already aware that this pressure to perform sexually makes no sense and that it shouldn’t sit on your shoulders, which is already a good thing. The only thing that matters is to listen to your desires, your body, and your needs. Of course, this is easier said than done, which is why we strongly advise you to get in touch with a psychologist or a sexologist in order to take stock of these issues for a happy and fulfilling sex life. 🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now! #BornToBeMe |
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