Strategic Incompetence In Relationships, We Need To Denounce It!

“But darling, I swear, I don’t know how!”

I think you’ve already figured out what strategic incompetence is, but just in case, I’ll give you a precise definition 👉 it’s quite simply when a man claims to be unable to perform a task so that his partner does it for him.

Obviously, strategic incompetence happens most of the time in cisgender heterosexual couples, as there’s little chance of a total deconstruction of gender roles. Men offload domestic work by pretending they don’t know how to do it, which prevents the mental load from being properly distributed within the couple. Some do it consciously, others a little less so.

“Male incompetence is a form of passive resistance to equality. By declaring themselves unfit, men shirk their responsibilities in the private sphere.” - Camille Froidevaux-Metterie

👋 The worst thing? Strategic incompetence can also be found at work...

Women, the eternal leaders of the household

I think many men don’t see the real problem and genuinely think that their wives do a better job 😅. Nonetheless, we no longer want to have to do all the household chores, or even just go around after our partners to make sure things are done properly...

This reminds me of a well-known French YouTuber who said in one of her latest vlogs: “I’ve tidied and cleaned everything! As I’m leaving and coming back before my boyfriend, I know I’ll find the house clean and I have to admit it’s a pleasure!”

I thought it was sad because it showed just how much of a burden men are in our daily lives as women. They find it very difficult to take a step back from this phenomenon, even if they do a lot of work to deconstruct it 🤐.

👋 You may be interested in this article: What is the 5-4-3-2-1 method for instant calm?

The great disillusion

Not to mention that this dynamic kills all passion and chemistry. You find yourself mothering your partner, explaining to him how to do this or that, going around behind him again... In short, you become his mother, and that’s anything but sexy 😓! As relationship coach Lucy Rowett explains, “The man assumes an almost childlike role, while the woman takes on that of mother, which destroys the emotional bond.”

That’s the great disillusionment: realizing that you want a partner, an equal, not just another child to look after. This behavior is the ultimate passion-killer, the scourge that plagues many straight couples 😫.

👉 So it’s high time we said stop and demanded a real sharing of tasks, for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

It’s a vicious cycle

So what’s the solution to get past strategic incompetence 😕? Unfortunately, there isn’t really one. So what can we do? I’d say we need to show our discontent, without aggression of course, but by firmly setting our limits. As Manon Garcia said, “you’re not born submissive, you become it”, so let’s denounce what doesn’t suit us, whether it’s in our relationship or in society.

I’m currently no longer in a relationship, and I admit to feeling a lot less anger on a daily basis because I don’t have as much mental burden on my shoulders. I deal with what I need to do, but not with another person. If I were to get back into a relationship, I don’t think I’d want to share my daily life and live with my partner, unless he showed me that he was doing his fair share. From now on, it’s out of the question for me to look after another adult or to push that same adult to take charge of his own life.

So if you’re a woman reading this, make your voice heard. Stop accepting a man’s passivity. Observe the red flags of his strategic incompetence (the state of his flat, his clothes, his hygiene, etc.). Leave him if you see he’s not pulling his weight. There’s no point putting up with this any longer, impose yourself so you can be much freer and happier 💪.

Read; How to break-up maturely

Editor’s note - Our mental health comes first

Stress, frustration, anger... If you recognize yourself in these emotions on a daily basis, listen to them. Your discomfort is legitimate and if nothing changes in your relationship despite you expressing your suffering, don’t hesitate to consult a psychologist. You’ll need to find a solution with your partner or see if you’re suffering from an emotional dependency that’s keeping you in the relationship. Whatever the case, you deserve a healthy relationship that doesn’t compromise your mental health.

🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now!

#BornToBeMe

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