Why does the wound of abandonment hurt so much?
According to psychologist Lise Bourbeau, betrayal is one of the major emotional wounds that we experience in childhood and that can be revived as adults. Betrayal also includes:
We may have been betrayed in our innocence and vulnerability by people we depended on and who we fully trusted, such as our attachment figures (usually our parents). These early betrayals may have made us doubt our worth and our ability to trust.
And that’s the terrible thing about betrayal, it undermines our confidence in others and in life. When we’re betrayed, particularly by someone close to us, we feel as if the foundation on which we had built our relationship and our certainties has suddenly collapsed.
Worth noting
When we’re emotionally codependent, we experience betrayal even more violently. We tend to idealize the other person, making them an inordinate part of our lives and our emotional balance. The relationship becomes vital, and we can’t imagine living without it. So when betrayal occurs, we lose our security, our value, even our identity. It’s a huge narcissistic injury.
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How does betrayal come about?
Unfortunately, a knife in the back can come from anywhere. There are three types of betrayal that are particularly horrible to experience, because they come from our innermost core:
- 👩❤️👩 Romantic betrayal: when our partner is unfaithful or lies to us, we feel that our love and trust have been trampled on. It’s a betrayal of mutual commitment.
- 👬 Betrayal of friends: when a close friend disappoints us, reveals our secrets, talks behind our backs or lets us down at a difficult time. We then feel deeply disappointed and abandoned.
- 👨👩👧 Family betrayal: when a family member hurts us, abuses our trust, or fails to protect us as they should. It’s all the more painful because family ties are supposed to be unconditional.
It really is the worst, because we’re disappointed that we put our trust in someone who wasn’t able to bear it.
However, we can also experience betrayal at work, for example, when a colleague steals our work. Or we can even betray ourselves, when we act against our own values. You may feel ashamed, but as you’re the only person who knows this, it’s fairly secondary, unless you reach the point of cognitive dissonance.
How do you recover from betrayal?
Experiencing another betrayal as an adult reactivates this wound and the intense emotions associated with it: feelings of humiliation, injustice, anger and deep sadness. You may feel that you don’t deserve love and loyalty. You may also be overcome by a desire for revenge or, on the contrary, by a feeling of powerlessness and despair 😔...
To cure this wound, it’s important to:
- 👉 Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions, even the darkest ones.
- 👉 Take a step back, don’t take the betrayal personally. The other person’s behavior says more about them than it does about us.
- 👉 Forgive, not for the other person’s sake, but to free yourself from the weight of resentment. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or continuing the relationship.
- 👉 Rebuild your confidence in yourself and in life, step by step. Surround yourself with caring people, reconnect with your values and what makes you feel good.
Betrayal is a painful ordeal, but it can also be an opportunity to get to know ourselves better, strengthen our self-esteem and deepen our relationships. By going through this wound, we can emerge stronger and more aware of what really matters to us 💪.
👋 And if your partner’s betrayed you, we’ve got more advice on how to breakup maturely.
Editor’s note - The solution to rebuild your life
A betrayal is devastating and affects us so intimately that it’s important to seek support. Counselling can help you get back on your feet more quickly and boost your self-confidence. You’re not the problem, it’s the other person who committed the betrayal! However, you may need to work on your emotional dependence. In any case, counselling is a good way to rebuild your life!
🤗 Understanding yourself, accepting yourself, being happy... It’s here and now!
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